Goodbye and Welcome

Even though, technically, the holidays aren't completely over, I feel as though they might as well be over. 
The most we do on New Year's Eve is over eat and sit on the couch watching the entire world - or so it seems - celebrate at Times Square in New York. 
There was a time in my life when I wanted to be one of those people in New York City.  A long, long, looooong time ago - but alas, my life's path chose to take me down a different way.
Not necessarily a bad way, but certainly not the way I had envisioned my life to be as a little girl or a teenager with the whole of life waiting for me - like a map with no roads or signs yet posted...
I'm not complaining though. 
I've had a semi normal life, full of regular teenage mishaps and childhood mistakes...
Aside from the way my body is falling apart, and the size of our almost non existent bank account, I can say that I'm generally a happy person with a pretty nice life. 
I mean, it could always get worse, right?
Who am I to complain about not being able to be where all the other people are...  like in New York City listening to music and dancing around just praying I'd be seen on TV. 

I certainly have a lot to be thankful and grateful for. 
I have an amazing husband, and one terrific daughter.  I have lots of friends.  I have a huge family that I get to hang out with on special occasions. 
But, sometimes I feel as though life should have dealt me a better hand. 

A hand that didn't involve my pancreas dying or my feet feeling as though they're on fire - with thumbtacks stuck in them, day in and day out.  How about a hand full of money and a nice big house that isn't falling apart around me? 
Would that have been too much to ask for?

I don't know...
I feel silly complaining...
I mean, it could always get worse... right??

This past year, as I reflect upon the many ups and downs we went through, has definitely been the typical roller coaster that life can sometimes be. 
We have dealt with financial loss, a few pet deaths, some family crap (that has left us just scratching our heads wondering why these people are the way they are) and we've also dealt with ALOT of medical let downs.
I will not get into it here, but something showed up in my blood work this past year that has (and still is) scaring the living daylights out of us.  We don't want to be too worrisome about it, because more testing still needs to be done - which I hear is happening after the new year.  I'm going to say that if the tests don't come back differently or it comes back a lot worse, I will be seeing one of the only specialists that I have been able to avoid thus far.  Let's just pray it doesn't come down to that.

I also have been medicated more than I would've have liked to have been.  I mean, I never wanted to be on such strong opioids at this stage in my life.  Who wants to be in a medicated fog for the duration of their life?  Or at least until they come up with some sort of medical miracle to fix my very painful neuropathy....  Which I am still hoping and praying for.  They have made great strides in getting to the bottom of what causes type 1 diabetes, and therefore have been working on finding a cure for it, so why can't they come up with something for my neuropathy???

sigh...

I think I'll be happy to say good bye and good riddance to 2013.  The year of family B.S., medical troubles, and financial dire straits. 
Maybe in 2014, we will hit the jackpot.  Not just the monetary kind either.  I'm talking like life taking a completely and utterly new turn.  A turn that leads into a lush, green valley full of berries, wildlife, rainbows, and green grass.   Maybe even a log cabin nestled in the mountain side...

As I ponder what the new year may hold, I am not going to make any new resolutions.  Typically, I make them, and ultimately I just let myself down by not sticking with them... It's best if I don't set the bar too high this year. 

I am hoping for things to get better.  I am praying that things certainly do NOT get any worse.  So, here's to hoping and praying for a better year...

Happy New Year to all my loyal (but still few) blog readers...
May this new year bring everything you've hoped for and may your lives be richly blessed...

Thanks for reading!

Nocturnal Horror

Before I even knew what a night terror was, I was awakened in a confused state of sweat, panic, and disorienting feelings by all my siblings.  Some of them with just looks of complete horror on their faces.  I have been dealing with nightmares, night terrors and sleep walking since I was a little girl... What makes my terrifying experiences so horrible is that I have them ALL the TIME.  Not just once or twice a month.  I have them almost EVERY single night of my life.

I would always either be crying and upset or bothered that all of them were in there with my light turned on and mad because I had thought that they woke me up to just be annoying siblings.

My night terrors and my crazy enough nights that have me walking while slumbering have continued into adulthood.

I just awoke from a night terror that left me in all kinds of mental anguish.  Most of the ones that leave me uncontrollably crying and upset are the ones that involve me or someone I love dearly dying in some horrific way. 

Tonight was no exception.

In the best way I know how, I will summarize this intimidating and scary night played delusion that my nightmares only know how to be.

A weird house with many floors.  I can both be inside looking out of one of it's many windows, and also see it from the outside looking upon it massive size and extent.  From the outside, I could see the building with many occupants inside - some staring at me from their windows, others just going about their day - watching TV or ironing a pair of pants...
When I made a 180 degree turn from the outside of the building, there were woods.  The woods in my nightmare reminded me of the woods that were outside my childhood bedroom.  I remember thinking that very thought when the shock and horror of gunfire and a huge group of boys and men came by with an arsenal of weaponry.  Some of them had guns and were aiming and shooting at those in the window and others had rocks in their hands threatening to strike without care as to where the rock would find it's final resting place.
All of the sudden I was back in the building, and I was screaming and yelling for the sounds of gunfire and babies crying and woman and men alike wailing to please just "STOP!  PLEASE JUST STOP!"  At one point I ducked down and realized that I was in a room that looked like something straight out of a Stephen King novel.  The room was like an old factory, with dirt and old tools skewed about in no particular order.  I could see Olivia's feet underneath a bed.  The bed was that of an old hospital - with rails and old sheets still on it.  I stood up as the noises started to come to a stop, and when I did that, Olivia was looking at me with blood all over her hands. 
She said, "Mommy, they got my Lamby!" 

*(FYI, Lamby is Olivia's prized possession.  She's had it for many years.  It was an Easter gift inside of an Easter basket filled with candy and sweets.  All she wanted was that stuffed lamb.  And they have been inseparable since.)*


When I saw what Olivia was crying about, I became enraged in my dream.  I started to curse and holler and I woke myself up screaming over and over again, "Knock it off!   Knock it off!"


When I became aware of my surroundings - tonight, it only took a few seconds, but some nights, a full couple of minutes go by before I realize that I'm in my own bed - I was covered in sweat.  I had immediately started to cry, and John was next to me and I had woke him up as well. 
John's still not used to my nocturnal antics.  Sometimes he says he's scared to be in the same bed with me.  He says it sometimes sounds like I'm having a regular conversation with a ghost.  I'll just be talking and talking and I'll even wait for "replies" and I'll continue talking.  My eyes will be open and sometimes I'll even be sitting up in bed looking at an invisible person.
John admittedly says that he still sleeps with one eye open. 

I know that most of you are thinking that all the medicines I take are probably the culprit to my nightly bouts of fear and dread. 
And if these happenings had just started a few years ago, I would have the inclination to concur. 
However, I have four siblings that will tell you that I've been doing this forever.


I don't know why God chose me to have the curse of night terrors.  I mean, I go places in my sleep that I never want to see again.  One time, I swear I was in a bona fide haunted house, looking upon ghosts of all manner - scary, sad, happy, some helpful  - but I saw them all.  And when I awoke from that particular terrifying ordeal, my bedroom light stayed on the rest of that evening - much to John's disappointment.

As I sit here and blog about my latest horrifying nightmare, I can now be at a level of calm - probably not calm by any normal definitions - but calm enough to stop crying.  Calm enough to maybe rectify this night with some peaceful slumber. 
I know that I am doomed to have more of these horrific experiences, but I know that all of my dreams aren't bad.  Every now and again, I wake up feeling as if I had just won the jackpot, because I had a pleasant dream-cation.  But, my scary ones definitely out number the good ones. 

Well, I guess that's it for now...
I'm off - back to bed with me...
Maybe some night time chamomile tea will help soothe my anxious spirit.
Good night all!
And
if you can
Sweet Dreams.

                                                                                                                                                                                            

Decking the Halls and Caroling for Christmas!

I'm not sure about you, my few but loyal blog readers, but I am really enjoying this holiday season.  Christmas of 2013 is really starting to take a wondrous shape!
And already, we have picked up nearly a foot of snow!!!  And that's just the start of what is turning out to be such a great Christmas season!

Once our decorations were up, I was set.
Heck, as soon as Halloween is over, I'm all set for the holidays.  I especially love Christmas though.
There is something kind of magical that happens this time of year.

I know what you're all thinking too...

Sylvia, what about all the rude people.  The ones who only care about the huge Black Friday deals and what they're going to receive this year underneath of the tree?

Well, I say - let them be that way.  Let all of them stand around in the cold weather, probably at the cost of a great conversation over pumpkin pie and coffee - just to save a few measly bucks on something - something, I am sure wasn't even for their kids either.

I say let them be miserable!
They're missing out on all the glorious holiday happenings!

I think the thing I love the most is all of the pretty lights.  Up and down my street I see gorgeous pretty twinkling lights.  I see loads of really well placed holiday decorations that someone had to spend hours putting up.
I can certainly appreciate the hard work that goes into such magnificent adorning!  Talk about really "decking the halls"!

I am really quite fond of the Christmas music as well.  My favorite festive music comes from The Trans Siberian Orchestra.  Their rendition of The Carol of the Bells really gets me in the mood to celebrate the joy of the season.
I can be found on many nights just looking at my own indoor gala of both twinkling and non twinkling ornamental and gorgeous light display listening to the melodious songs of the Christmas season.  Silver Bells, Away in the Manger, We Three Kings, Joy to the World, and Hark! The Herald Angels Sing are all favorites!
I love the feel of the season too!  The cold snap of air that arrives that just demands taking the electric blanket out of the closet and to get the old slippers out from under the bed... It all just makes me very warm on the inside.  (and that just ain't the neuropathy I'm feeling either...)
I don't know... I just really love this time of year.

It's also one of the few times out of the year that my entire side of the family gets together to talk, eat, play games, and catch up.  And the laughter that can be heard will put any other loud family to shame!  I laugh some of the hardest at this time of year when all my brothers (and brothers in law) and John all get together.  They start making jokes and saying silly little things that sometimes has me running to the bathroom so I don't have any embarrassing situations...

It's just all so fun for me!

I also really enjoy the time off my Olivia has from school.  The daily hum drum of homework and studying can be put aside for a couple of weeks and it can replaced with eating too many cookies, and putting together toys that make lots of annoying noises, and watching holiday classics on TV.  Sleeping in, sipping on hot chocolate or coffee and just snuggling on the couch is a past time that Olivia and will be enjoying to its max this year!

I have a feeling that this year, Olivia and I will grow really close.  She's getting alot older now.  Changing in so many ways, that it's sometimes hard to wrap my head around.  She's getting to that age where we can talk about more serious things and she can comprehend more complex conversations.  That day is over where she is forced to eat at the "kids table".  And I'm really looking forward to getting to know her as a young woman, as opposed to that little girl who just wants to play Barbies or Littlest Pet Shop.
Don't get me wrong - I really enjoyed her younger years!  I loved to hear her giggle when we played together with all of her little girly toys.  I've sipped on so much imaginary tea, that it would make any Englishman proud.  So even though what we're doing together is beginning to change somewhat, my love and respect for her is growing and deepening into something very special and unique to just Olivia and me.

Going into this season, it got a little bumpy.  My health took a turn for the worse, and John and I had to deal with so much family crap, that I really thought this year was going to be Grinchified beyond recognition.  Just the opposite though!  We have grown closer as husband and wife and had to lean so much on one another - Olivia as well - that I have such new admiration for the two closest people in my life.  So, this year, despite all of the untruths and troubled correspondences, we are embarking on (in my opinion) one of the most fabulous Christmas's yet!

So, in the words of some of my favorite rodents, Christmas, please don't be late!

Merry Christmas to all of my blog readers!  I probably won't be on till next year (hehehe, I always hated that "See you next year!" trick they pulled at the start of every holiday vacation when I was in school)
But, no, seriously, I probably won't be on till after the New Year.  If I do hop on to do any sort of blogging, it'll be to maybe talk about how fun (although I'm sure my body will hate me afterwards) my family get together was...
Merry Christmas to all of you!!!!  Enjoy!

Ahem... Pass the Ivory...

Ahhhh....
Love is in the air.

Despite the constant need for rest and "off my feet" time, and despite the fact that I am in almost constant pain, I am feeling very exuberant tonight.
In a few short days, John and I will be celebrating our 14th wedding anniversary.

Fourteen years!
It's simply amazing how fast time is going!  When I tell people that we are about to celebrate this anniversary with fourteen years under our belts, I always get a surprised look.  The look is something that makes me feel both self righteously happy and saddened all at the same time.

I like the idea that about half of the people I encounter see it as a surprise because it means that we have (and will continue to do) accomplished something that isn't always easy to accomplish and achieve.  We have a love for one another that most will never understand.  And it's such a happy and joyous love that the last fourteen years have just  flown by!  These last fourteen years weren't a chore or something to put our heads down and muddle through! 
No! 
These last fourteen years have been ecstatic and wonderful!!!
Sure, we have had bad times - We're a pretty poor married couple, but money doesn't always equate to being happy.  How else could we be this cheerful and yet not always have two pennies to rub together?  And my continued health problems have also been weighing us down and testing our love. 
I have to tell you though - the poorer we get and the sicker I feel, that's when we find that we love each other even more...
That's because those times is when we discover (time and time again) that we need each other!  And we have learned throughout the years to depend on one another and to look out for one another!  And that need for each other, that will to survive has only brought us closer together - both as husband and wife, and as the best of friends!

I said before that when people look at me with that silly astonished looks on their faces when we talk about our marriage - our happy and joyous marriage - that it also saddens me. 
That's true too.
It does sadden me.
How can marriage be that difficult to keep together?  How can two people, who have claimed their love for one another, more than likely in front of God and family and friends, not know how to keep their marriages from falling apart?
I have several hypotheses when it comes to this question.  But, for the most part, I think it's because most people have forgotten on how to work at their marriage.  They have grown complacent and lazy.  They threw away their vows and opted for half of everything with every other holiday and summer. 
And that saddens me. 

But, there's no time to be sad!
We're about to celebrate our anniversary! 
I am pretty sure we're going out to eat.  But, the weather may hold us in this weekend.  So, we talked about ordering in and maybe spending some extra time at the old homestead with one another.

I am one lucky girl.
I have - simply put, but very true nonetheless - the world's most amazing husband!
I still can't believe how great of a guy I have!  He takes my breath away every single day - every single day.
If it's not the glance I steal when he's putting on his cologne, it's the way he does the dishes at night.  If it's not the fact that he's rubbing my feet, it's the sexy way he runs the vacuum cleaner in the living room.  If it's not the way he sings (off key and loudly) in the shower, it's the way he dotes on our daughter.  If it's not the fact that he breaks his back to support our house, it's the way he grocery shops every single week. 
So, yeah, he takes my breath away every single day. 

When I look at John and I recall the things he has told me about watching the marriage(s) he grew up with (and of course witnessing some of it for myself), I am surprised at how much of a stand up guy he really is.  Talk about not becoming a statistic!  He's such an astounding and moral and caring guy, that it's so hard to comprehend at times. 
Then again, I can't be too awfully surprised.  I was always told to marry someone who is like my own dad. 
I watched (and still do to this day) my daddy do the very same things for my mom that John does for me - day after day.  My dad really cares for my mom - my dad would steal the moon for my mom - and that was always evident in their marriage!  I have learned that a man should always respect their wives.  Not to berate them, not to yell at them, not to belittle them, and certainly not to abuse them.  I have learned that a man should always care, honor, and appreciate their wives.  Of course, it's the same for women as well. 

I always cringe when I hear people say that marriage is 50-50.  Ugh... That's the farthest thing from the truth!  Marriage only works when it's both people putting in 100% of their time, devotion, and compassion!  If I only gave John half of what I had to offer, our marriage would've ended a long time ago.  Same goes for John as well.  If I only got half of him, I don't think I'd be sitting here tonight blogging about how incredible my marriage is.

The hardest my marriage was - and I think this is true for most marriages - was the first year we were married.  I think we fought at least once a week for almost the entire year.  Ha!  The fights we had!  We broke a lot of dishes that first year! 
Ahhh... But, that was so long ago!  And let me tell you, I am still so fascinated by my truly happy and healthy marriage. 

So, how can two people who have very little in the form of materialistic possessions still be so unbelievably in love?

Communication.
Honesty.
Compassion.
Respect.
Forgiveness.
Humor.
Love.

All of those things equal a wonderful marriage!

                                                      John and me (at the JOP) on our wedding day... <3


































                                                                                   The appropriate gift (for 14 years) is ivory... :)

Cornucopia of Thanks

It's Thanksgiving week!
Gobble, gobble, gobble!

Our meal is tucked away in the fridge and cabinets.  It's almost that time to smell the goodness that will by permeating from our busy kitchen! 
We will be seeing my folks for dessert, but, as far as dinner goes, it's just the three of us.  And I am so excited!

And John is cooking it all!  How ridiculously sweet is that man???

Ok, well, he's not cooking it all - I will still be preparing the bird for Thanksgiving.  I always prepare the turkey the night before.  Around midnight to one in the morning, I put my turkey in the oven, and I cook it all night long on a lower heat setting.  Cooking it over night means that we wake up to the delicious aroma of turkey in the morning.  And it helps keeps the house a little warmer too.  It's a win-win!

I was thrilled when John offered to do the rest of the meal, though.  I honestly don't see how I could've done it.  Lord knows I would've tried.  But, the good Lord knows - as well as John - that I definitely wouldn't have been able to do it.  I probably would've made it to the sweet potato casserole, then I would've popped a pain killer, wiped the tears from off of my face and went back to the bedroom to cry about how much I hurt.

Olivia had expressed wanting to go to my parent's house for the meal, but we reminded her that if it's just the three of us, she'll get even more of her favorite dish all to herself  - her favorite dish?  The green bean casserole.  Once she heard that, her eyes got real big, a smile came over her face and she quickly got over not spending the day over at my parent's house. 

I highly considered buying a bottle of wine this year.  After all, it will be just us.  John's making the meal, and my instructions are to just relax and enjoy the day.  I was told to watch parades and to cuddle on the sofa with my Olive. 
So, I decided not to purchase any wine.  I mean, who needs it?  After all, it wouldn't be too smart to mix my new pain killers with alcohol. 

Speaking of my new pain meds.  I had another appointment with my pain management doctor.  The newest pills I'm on has my pain levels pretty consistent now.  My morning numbers have gone down (on a scale of 1 - 10) and my evening levels are starting to decrease as well.  Thank God for opioids. It's about time too.  I mean, I've only spent the better part of two years in dire straits and I've been waiting for that one pill - that one pill I knew was out there - to try and stave off some of this unbearable pain I've been having. 

This cold weather has brought out the flannel sheets and the ever so missed electric blanket.  I had that  sucker cranked up so high, I almost peed in my bed when I crawled into it.  It was so superbly comfortable and warm! 

Well, I guess that 's it. 
I will try to post again between now and Friday, but don't count on it.  I'll be too busy stuffing my face with turkey and pumpkin pie to blog about anything more important. 

Have a happy Thanksgiving all!

Oh wait
One more thing...

It wouldn't be a proper Thanksgiving post if I didn't tell you all what I am thankful for this year.

1) I'm thankful to be married to such a wonderful and compassionate man. 
2) I'm thankful to have such a loving and sweet daughter - one who is growing up too fast!
3) I'm thankful that we have a full Thanksgiving meal to eat this year
4) I'm thankful that I have two loving parents who are always there for us
5) I'm thankful that I finally found a good pain management doctor
6) I'm thankful for my smart phone (that thing has kept me from getting lost so many times)
7) I'm thankful that I have 3 loving older brothers and 1 loving younger sister
8) I'm thankful that we have heat in this cold weather
9) I'm thankful for the fact that John took away all my (family and in-law BS) problems with kind words and love
10)  I'm thankful that I found a church who accepts me as I am...

This list is in no particular order....

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

This and That part 5

Our Christmas decorations are up.  We have a combo of steady and blinking lights.  And our little tree is still erect (hehehe... yup, I said erect) and only has lights on it this year.  I didn't bother with the garland or ornaments this year for our little six foot tree, only because we have a new kitten in the house who will be experiencing his very first Christmas.
I kind of like my old and vintage Christmas tree ornaments, and I would hate to have to kill my Apollo for taking one off of the tree to make it his very own play thing.  Besides, he was so in love with all of the lights that I know - I KNOW - I made the right decision.  Who needs to be screaming at a kitten during the holiday season, grabbing the migraine medicine and ripping the hair out? 
Not this blogger.... that is for sure.

We also started to plan our Thanksgiving feast.  I am super excited about it this year. 
Not only are we staying at home, and quite possibly in our pajamas all day long, but John has told me that he will be preparing most of the meal for me. 
Why is he doing the cooking, and not me? 
One, because he loves me.  He recognizes the agony I go through every day thanks to my small fiber neuropathy.  He wants me off my feet and on the couch cuddling with Olivia while watching holiday programming.  Bring on the parades!
Two, because I think he wants to prove (to himself) that he can.  That man has gotten so creative in the kitchen since he started to do most of the cooking.  He has surprised me numerous times with the things that he comes up with... Some tasty treats have been made by his hands....

So, anyway, we were invited to a few places for Thanksgiving, but have decided to spend a stress free and turkey aroma filled day in our home watching the parade and sneaking little bits of turkey into our mouths while waiting for the rest of the dinner to be made.
That makes me very, very thankful...

Now, on to other news.


I am on yet, another pain killer from my pain management doctor.  I've said it with the two I've had and I'm saying it again.  I am hopeful these will continue to work. 
I have some times when I seriously want to soak my feet in ice or just saw them off completely - I mean, you try dealing with (what can only be described as) broken glass in your feet.  There are times when it feels as though my feet are both extremely hot and unbearably cold - all at the same time!  And then there are other times when I feel as though I have an unprecedented sunburn on my feet, and someone is poking me with a million tiny little needles - day in and day out. 
I think I can say with certainty that I need some pretty powerful and potent pain killers.  And I'm on an entirely new class of them this time.
When John and I were at the drive thru at the pharmacy, he handed the girl our script and she said, "Sylvia, I know that I know you.  But, I have to look at your license anyway."   We were also told that the pharmacist was the only one allowed to fill my particular drug. 
So, these new pills are working, as they are quite powerful.  And I really hope and pray that their longevity in killing my agonizing pain will continue.  I can only cry into my hands so much before I highly consider putting a gun to my temple.



Speaking of my pain, I have been getting crazy high numbers for blood sugars.  I have noted and let the endocrinologist know that I will be needing an additional two bottles of insulin per month to make it through.  I have a feeling that it's because of my extreme misery that my blood sugars are being so radical.  Because it's the leading cause of my small fiber neuropathy to begin with.  High blood sugars over an extended period of time does, in fact, cause neuropathy. 
ugh...

I am praying constantly for a cure - not just for type 1 diabetes - but for neuropathy as well.  There has got to be a permanent fix for it!  I would be first in line for human trials if medical science got close to it.  This agony and severe discomfort isn't meant for anyone.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 

Let's see...
What else...

Oh yes.  Olivia got an A+ on her Martin Luther King Jr. project.  She was so thrilled.  She was the first one in her class to bring her poster board in, and she says hers looks the best too.  To which I replied, "Of course it is.  You made it."   She just smiled her perfect smile and as she walked into her bedroom to - as she puts it - listen to her Ipod, I felt a sudden rush of satisfaction and delight for I am a proud mom! 
Olivia has such an artistic touch and has an amazing talent.  Not only can my daughter whip up a good written story (yeah, she gets that one from me) but she can draw a flower like nobody's business.  I have a box full of artwork and crafts that my daughter has made me - up in my closet.  On a shelf, and every now and then, I pull it down to look over all of her handiwork. 
I have to say, John and I really know how to produce a great child.  :)   I like to think that she gets all of her good stuff from me... LOL!   Of course though, she gets a lot of who she is from the two of us combined.  The good and the bad.  But, all Olivia... All Olivia....
I guess that about does it for now.  I'm off to bed and under the covers. 

Goodnight my few, but dear readers. 
And thanks for reading...







                                          Olivia with John and me... <3

how my feet feel most of the time...

Loving in an Unconditional Sort of Way (isn't always easy)

So, Olivia had a good friend of hers spend the weekend at our house not that long ago.  She's known this girl for many years, and John and I have come to know and love her as well.
We had plans to go to church.  Their main reason for wanting to go was the hopes of seeing my mom (Olivia's Nanny) there, so they could show her the new bracelets that they had been working on.
While on the phone with my mom on Saturday night, I had inquired to her whether or not she had planned on coming to church the next day.
My mom had said she would try her best to come, if only to see Olivia. 
I couldn't help but think how amusing that response was.

When Sunday morning rolls around, the first instinct I have is to turn off the alarm clock and pull the covers over my head.  Seriously.  The last thing I want to do is get up out of bed, especially in the colder months, just to listen to how bad of a sinner I am.
I usually lie in bed for a few minutes, turn the TV up so I can hear it, and then I will reflect on the reasons that I should go to church. 
I can always count on both hands the reasons why I should get up and go to church, and only count on one hand the reasons to stay home - unless of course I'm really ill or something to that effect.

What has church done for me?

Well, it certainly puts into perspective the actions that I have done for the week.  Some bad, some good, some indifferent.
I usually walk away with a more kind and generous attitude than when I first walked into church.  And I also learn new and more prudent ways to worship God.

With all of that said....

I continue to stumble, day after day.  Week after week.  And month after month. 
I sometimes will apologize for wrong doing, but there are times when my stubbornness will definitely override any feeling of good will or mature responses.
My thoughts, if I am to be perfectly honest is usually like this...
"Apologize to them???  Really?  They need to apologize to me!"

And there's that selfish attitude that we all suffer with. 
Yup.  I am selfish.  And stubborn.  And wicked.  And I can be a real pill at times. 
But, I am no different than any of the people in church with me  -  or of course any of the people that don't go to church. 
We're all the same.  Selfish  minded people. 
And none of us likes to admit it. 
But, here I am. 
Admitting to what I am...
I have a lot of positive attributes though.  I am a kind woman, but usually to those that are kind to me first.  I am a phenomenal mom, but usually when Olivia is behaving as she should.  I am a terrific wife - there's no "but" for this one. 
I am a terrific wife. 
So, why is it that my good only comes out when good first happens to me.  And why is it that my bad flies out when bad has happened to me?
It's because I am human.
And humans, by default are selfish creatures. 


A few weeks ago, I had to deal with family crap - crap that I didn't bring on, but crap that I had to deal with nonetheless.  I dealt with lies - told about me.  I dealt with mean behavior.  I dealt with selfish mindsets.  I dealt with child like attitudes.  I dealt with people in my life that have never really respected me as a mom or a wife.  I dealt with people who wanted to bring me down. 
At first when it all started, I mean initially, when it first happened, I decided that I wasn't going to bring John in on what was being said to me and what was being done to me.
I thought to myself that John wasn't going to have to deal with this.  He's dealt with it his whole life and I didn't want to bring him in.  I wanted to keep him out of it.
That was my first mistake.

I should've told him the minute it happened.  But because of that action, because of my not wanting to let John know what was going on, I let those who were doing me wrong have all the power.
That power didn't last for long though.  At most, a little less than 24 hours.  Till those who were persecuting me went too far and started to tell lies. 
That's when I told John everything.  And that's when "you know what" hit the fan. 
That's when years of church going and proper upbringing should've won. 
A truly kind person would've forgave and let it go. 
But, I am not a truly kind person. 
I wanted to fix it and fix it fast, and fixing it for me was to try and handle it the way I saw fit.
So, I sent an email and blogged about my family troubles.  After all, blogging is what I do when I'm upset about anything.Heck, I could be sick for a few days and then blog, and almost instantly I almost always feel better.
So, what I do is write.  I write till I exhaust my hands and fingers.
That's exactly what I did.  I turned to my computer for comfort and peace.  I let my feelings take hold and I let the words come out - some were mean, albeit true.  And I see now that maybe I should've kept my blog posts to just a smaller audience. 
My thoughts were always, "Heck, if they don't like it, they don't have to read it."  or  "Let them start their own blog."  or  "Ya know, it's my blog, and I can write about what I want when I want."

All thoughts that were wrong in theory, although right in what was said...

Wrong though for not just getting up and dealing with it like we should've. 
Perhaps, we should've done it face to face.  Although, in the past, that wasn't always the wisest choice.  Maybe I should've let John take the reins from the get go.  Instead of letting them hurt me, I could've just let it roll off of me and not paid any attention. 
But, as a sinner, a person who thinks "worldly thoughts" first, I decided to handle it in my own way. 

And boy, that was a wrong move, because it cost - not only me and John - but Olivia as well. 

So, while I didn't start this whole thing, I could've ended it a long time ago. 
I could've been the hero here in this situation.  I could've been the bigger person.  I could've been the more honorable person. 
I chose to be selfish - in pointing out all the things that they had said and done that were untrue.  I chose to be wicked - in letting the world in on private matters.  I chose to be stubborn - in not just letting it go. 
I held on to emotions and feelings that had no place in my life.  I clung on to the need "to prove them wrong".  I desperately needed to be right. 

And that, my few, but dear readers was wrong.

I was wrong. 

I was wrong.

I was wrong.

I wasn't wrong in what initially started this whole mess. 
I was wrong in how I reacted to this whole mess.

Sure, they were wrong too.  But, I can't control them.  I can only control me. 
And I acted in an out of control responses.

So, I think I will keep going to church. 
I think it does me good to reflect on my bad attitude (at times) and it certainly can't be wrong in just loving people - even those who are hard to love - in a more God like way.  In an undemanding and consequence free kind of way. 
Nobody can go wrong when they love like that. 

It's Beginning to Look Alot Like...

Well, it's here...
The holiday season.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's....

I for one, am looking forward to them all!
We're already working on our Thanksgiving menu, and because of finances, we will have to buy things a little at a time.  This week, we'll pick up my delicious sweet potato casserole side dish, complete with a marshmallow and cinnamon topping.
Next week, we'll probably get my green bean casserole side dish, of course completed with French fried onions...

I have yet to get Olivia's "wish list", but I know that she's been thinking about it - long and hard.  And I am just crossing my fingers that it's all something that won't break our bank account.... I refuse to use credit cards this year.  I'm still paying off last year's Christmas shopping trips, and this year I will NOT go into any more debt!

We already made up our minds to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas at the old homestead here.  No travel plans to speak of, which of course makes John a very happy camper....
Although I'm sure we'll be roped into my own family's Christmas get together, that seems to be the only thing we'll end up going to this year.
Well, maybe. 
I have a feeling he'll change his mind...
I sort of just stared at him, blinked once or twice when he told me...
"What?  No travelling at all?  No where???"
"Nope.  Just us this year."
Huh...
I never thought I'd say this about myself, because I am always the first one to jump at any free food for any special occasion (ya know, pain willing).  But, I think John is finally wearing me down.  Just the thought of not having to go anywhere, not having to deal with holiday traffic, more people in a room than I find comfortable, or putting on a fake smile when I just hurt so badly...
Well, I'm kind of already sighing with relief.

So, while we start gearing up for the 2013 holiday season, I'm pretty stoked about it being stress free and quiet around here.  It'll definitely be that (quiet) if what John says is true... I'm kind of sad that it will have to be that way, but it is what it is.  Like I said though, he may just change his tune as the holidays creep closer.
We are decorating the house in two weekends, and I'm curious to see if our kitten Apollo will be alive or dead by New Year's.   I have a feeling that the words coming out of my mouth will be:

"HEY!  APOLLO!  DROP IT!"  as he scurries off with an irreplaceable ornament or some gold garland...

And this year, unlike last year, I'm recruiting John to help out.  He will be hanging more lights and helping put things away.  Usually, I'm more than happy to put on the Christmas music and do it alone, but last year, after all was put up, I sat down and bawled like a baby because I hurt so badly.  I am not going to repeat that this year.  Olivia and John will definitely be helping... At least in some capacity. 

I'll tell you what I'm most looking forward to though...
That's tax season...
That is way better than all three major holidays put together....
And this year, my first full year without any sort of working income, we're pretty stoked about our return.  And we sort of already have plans for that...
Let's just say, we're hoping to NOT call our home, home for that much longer.  Fingers are crossed! 

If we have enough left over, I'm sort of hoping for a trip to Florida as well.  My parents are already planning a trip to Florida, and have lovingly invited John, Olivia, and me to kind of travel with them. 
That will be fun!   Vacationing with my folks always is a lot of fun, and I am really hoping to make this trip with them... My fingers are also crossed for that.

Let's see...

Oh yes. 

My new pain pills are still highly effective.  They're working like they should and I'm still keeping a pain diary, which is not only therapeutic for me, but very helpful for my pain management doctor.  I'm getting consistently lower and lower numbers.  I'm loving the fact that my pain is, at least for the moment, subdued. 

Well, I guess that's it for now...
Thanks for reading, my few but dear readers.
Till next time...




































 

Stay Back You Aliens!

This past weekend was a real tough one for me...
I am raising a teenager...
And that makes life really, really difficult.
If she's not an emotional and hormonal wreck, she's forgetful, clumsy, and/or troubled by some drama at school...
I'm ready to yank all of my hair out and call myself GI Jane.
I certainly don't want to be walking around hairless, cause I mean, how else am I to keep my shoulders warm???

But, my soon-to-be teenage daughter is driving me nuts!!!
I had a visit from Olivia's grandmother last week, and it was a nice visit.  Coffee and small talk and all.... Olivia's cousins were in tow, and Olivia had a great time with them in her room while the adults sat in the living room with their caffeine.
Apparently, Olivia had such a good time with her cousins that she wanted to spend a lot more time with them, so she asked her grandmother if she could spend some extra time with them over the weekend...
Of course, her ever loving grandmother had said yes and Olivia was so excited...

That is...
sigh...

Until she remembered that she already had weekend plans....

Double Sigh....

That is just one example of the many I can talk about - to prove my point about teenagers. 
Their heads are just not attached correctly!  Or maybe they get abducted by aliens - the good, sweet, and kind kid that once was - is replaced with an alien teenager.  One who tries to drive the parental unit slowly and madly into psychotic and bizarre humans.
It's the Martian's ways of testing us.  It has to be that!

The aliens are up there - somewhere - enjoying the sweet kid that used to do things without arguing, without complaint, and without question - and we as parents are down here trying not to commit homicide against our devilish spawn. 

How often can I show her, explain to her, talk to her, and yell at her - about her room till it finally sinks in?!?!?!?!?
And let's not forget about the "girl" drama that comes with raising a teenager.  You can be raising a boy and still get all of that "girl" drama.

this is the response I get nowadays after asking about her school day.

"Well, so and so stopped sitting with me at lunch because she said he said that they said that I was talking about them."
                                                             OR

"The guidance counselor had me in her office to talk about what she said that he did and about what I did to defend what she said..."

I don't think Olivia goes to any classes when she's at school.
How else can a whole day of learning go on and that's all she has to say???????

But, John and I are indeed raising a teenage girl, and it's turning into a teenage nightmare.

I was brushing the back of Olivia's hair the other day - because apparently the back of the head has no hair to be brushed....  Anyway, I was brushing her hair (even though she swore up and down that she had indeed got that part) and I could've sworn I felt two little horns sprouting out of her head....
Yup... my daughter is turning into a little demon child...
I am trying to be an understanding mom.  I too was once a teenage girl.  So, I know exactly how Olivia is feeling. 
I too had the drama of complicated middle school relationships. 
I too had all of the emotion and hormone induced headaches that come from trying to please everyone.
I too had the lunch room disagreements.

But, maybe I am just too old fashioned to be raising a girl in today's social media covered productions of so called "real life".

She still isn't allowed to have a Facebook account.  We keep saying no, but she insists on asking everyday anyway.
We sat down with her and told her all about the troubles that come from just having a Facebook account, let alone have one when you're young and impressionable. 
I told her about defriending family members and other people because most people on Facebook are just silly... and that if she had one, that she too would be part of that silly and melodramatic world.
Yes, I know that I too am part of that silly world.  But, I have the wherewithal to weed out the crazies and just deal with those who aren't out to drive me insane...
Besides, I am much older than she, and can definitely handle it better than (we feel) she could. 
The last thing Olivia needs is to be friends with - oops... I'm sorry - Facebook Friends - with the people that I just cut out of our lives....
If that were to happen, all of this drama that I'm explaining here - all of that would quadruple in size and magnitude.

I fear for the safety of my daughter.  And rightly so.  No longer can a teenager go to a mall innocently and come back the same person.  What with all of the cell phone cameras, the tweeting that goes on, and all of the crap they like to call outfits being sold in today's stores- that barely pass for clothing to begin with. 
I have to keep hold of my struggling daughter - as much as she would like to fight it - I have to keep ahold of her... not let her go.  Because I know that once I do, she'll be exposed to all of the heartache and pain that I am trying to protect her from...
And I know I shouldn't suffocate her, that would just bite me in the rear later on, but I feel as if I have no other choice. 
Yes, she's turning into a teenager, and yes she has a foul attitude half the time, but she's still - overall - a good kid.  She still has compassion underneath all of the screaming and temper tantrums.  She still has love and kindness underneath all of that back talk.  She still has a general need to follow the rules underneath all of that mess of a bedroom.
So, while I still can, I'm going to cling tighter and hold onto her just a little bit longer.

Because I can, and because I love her.


That's it for now, and thanks for reading my few but dear readers...

Will Killing my Pain Kill Me?

Pain management appointments are quite frustrating.

I've been to two so far at my newest doc.  And he seems to know his stuff, medically speaking anyway.  He has me taking more (as he calls it) more good stuff and less bad stuff.

What did he mean?

More narcotics and less acetaminophen .  And it's a big jump for someone like me.  Don't get me wrong, I've taken every single pain killer out there - at least once - what with all of the surgeries I've had and the different hospital stays.  But, I was only taking the "hard core" pain killers for short amounts of time.  I'd take what I was given, as prescribed, and then go on with life. 
I've never done it like I'm doing it now.  Every so many hours for an extended period of time... So, while I'm happy this new doc is doing what he can for me, I'm a little frustrated that I need to take opioids for so long. 
I know the dangers of this, as well as the upside to it.  Dangers, obviously is a risk of dependency and becoming addicted to a certain drug.  I had to watch a few people I love deal with addiction from strong narcotics - and they weren't taking them for the "high" either - they had them for legitimate purposes and innocently took them as prescribed, but quickly became addicted.  It was hard for them to get off of the strong pills. 
Of course, the upside to taking such strong and powerful medication is the whole reason I'm taking them anyway.  To have less pain.  And I definitely see that now.  I have less pain.  I'm not free of pain, but I am definitely seeing my pain levels (on a scale of 1 - 10) go down.  Which is a wonderful experience!
But, while I have less pain, I'm also worried about the bigger picture.  Less pain today might mean more pain later, when or if I ever become so dependent on them that I would have to have withdrawal symptoms because of getting off of them. 

I remember the one and only time I went to a casino to actually gamble.  We went with some really good friends of ours.  I remember watching old women and retirees - with nothing better to do -  slip quarter after quarter and dollar after dollar into a slot machine, hoping that it would pay off and all the bells and whistles would alert them and everyone else in the surrounding area that they had won the jackpot.  I had a lot of pity for them.  I thought, "How silly!  Why not just keep the money you already have in your pocket?"
I know they were after even bigger money and the eventual pay off would be somehow worth losing hundreds of dollars at the hands of a big name casino. 
Am I headed for that same outcome?  Am I going to be like those old women sliding money into a slot machine, hoping for the next big payoff?

Am I going to be asking my doctor, month after month, for a better pill, a bigger pill, in hopes that I can have even less pain?  I know that my body will become "used" to whatever I take, especially if I take things for a long period of time.... But, I am also in need of that relief. 
If I don't take anything, if I just stop taking pills that help make my pain better, I will be at the mercy of intolerable nerve pain that will literally make me want to blow my brains out. 
I've been there already!  I do NOT want to go back to that!  EVER!

Even now, as I type this post up, I feel some of my nerve pain, and this is just three hours since I've taken my last pain pill.  So, I know that stopping now is NOT an option.  Unless of course I want to die at my own hands.  Which, I don't.

So, this is how life looks now. 

A cocktail of medicines - some for high blood pressure, some for high cholesterol, others for my underactive thyroid, others still for migraines.  I also, of course, take large doses of insulin throughout the day, via insulin pump.  But, now I'm also taking meds for pain.  And these meds are the first thing I reach for every morning.  They're out there in the front of all the other pills I take. 
Let's face it, I've been taking all of the other medications for years now, but I don't feel the "goodness" that they provide.  I mean, I can see the positive effects of those things by looking at blood work and getting results from the nurse.  And I see the positives from insulin therapy because I test my blood sugars all the time.  But, all of those positives are perceived by me differently than when I feel the positives from a strong narcotic.
Because, I actually feel the effects of my pain killers.  And I like the feelings of relief I get from those. 

sigh

I know that I need to manage my pain, and I know that this doc will help me do it, and I also know that I can get help from that same doc if I ever want to stop taking strong pain killers.  Him and his staff have a myriad of resources to give to those who need to stop or no longer have any need for narcotics.  I'm actually hopeful (as silly as it sounds) that someday, in my lifetime I will see a cure for small fiber neuropathy.  I've been told for 2 years now that there will never be a cure, but I've also been told that a cure for type 1 diabetes is out of the question.  And lately, there has been two vaccines on the news and on the web that are just one funding step away from human trials to not only stop the virus that causes type 1 diabetes, but one of the vaccines will actually reverse those who are already afflicted with it!
So, when a doctor tells me that there is no cure, I tend to take his words with grain of salt - at least eventually I do. 


So, anyway, that is it for now... I'm actually in quite a bit of pain as I end this post.  I will be using today - this rainy and windy day - to write a little bit more in my book. 

Thanks for reading, my few, but dear readers...

 

Disabled Doesn't Mean Unabled

I have a pain management appointment tomorrow, and I was just reading over my pain diary.
I know that I'll have to tell the good doctor that I need something else to help manage my pain, because after all - in his words - "You are never going to be without pain."
That sentence and the others he said are all a big jumble in my mind.
Sentences like
"There's no cure."
"We will probably have to try several different medications and doses till we find what works for you."
and my personal favorite
"It may take several years till we find out the right medication for you."

sigh...

John is taking me to my doctor's appointment tomorrow, and I for one am so very happy he's coming with me.  His extra set of ears helps me catch what doesn't register with me.

So, anyway, tomorrow after my appointment, I will probably post something about my appointment. 

While reading over my pain diary, I've noticed trends in it that correlate with blood sugars, stress, and other factors. 
For instance, I have noticed that when my blood sugars are either high or even slightly elevated, I have more pain. 
That's not saying that when I have perfect numbers I am pain free, though.
All I'm saying is that when my numbers increase, so does my pain level.
Also, I know that when things are going on - whatever they may be - intolerable family members, Olivia giving me attitude, or just an exuberant amount of housework - I have an increase in my pain levels.  Emotions that are running high equals more pain.

What saddens me though is all the things I'm missing out on since I do have such pain.

Things like not being able to walk with her to go trick or treating, or playing at the playground with her or even taking a simple walk with her. 

All of those things are things I took for granted when I could walk, run, bike, and play... Had I known that in 2011 I would fall apart and not be able to do those things any longer with my child, I would have taken more pictures, I would have laughed a lot more, I would have sucked the marrow out of every moment possible...

Now, I have the unfortunate task of being a bench warmer.  Of being on the side lines.  Of just watching her grow up, without being able to enjoy -in a full capacity - those memories with her...

So, with great sadness, as I write this post, I have to try and remember that at least I am still here to witness (with much emotion) those things. 

I'm not dead.  I'm just disabled. 


But that doesn't mean that I'm unable.

I'm not unable to see with my eyes that wonderment on her face when she comes out of the dressing room with her prom dress on, or years later, her wedding dress on.  I may be looking at her from a wheel chair, but I can still see her beautiful face as she glows. 
I 'm not unable to see  with my own eyes the tears she'll cry as she holds her first born baby in her arms.
I'm not unable to look upon her face when she proudly shows off her new home or apartment.

So, yes, I may be disabled, but I'm still not unable. 

And that brings me much happiness indeed.

The Sylvia Tea Party

Today, I am so very tired.  I got very little sleep last night, then I woke up with a headache.
Ugh
Perhaps, it's my body's way of saying, "Sylvia, you better calm down."

Perhaps.

Or maybe it's just because I woke up with a headache.  Either way, I do need to calm down.

Today, I made myself some relaxation hot tea and sipped it slowly.  And you know what?  I really do feel relaxed. 

So, I am going to run (or maybe I'll drive... yeah, I'll drive) to the store and pick up some more tea.

I've forgotten how good hot tea is...
I remember one evening in 2006, while in school to learn how to be a massage therapist, our instructor brought in a plethora of tea.  My classmates and I just had a nice, calming evening.  I should've kept up that moment.  But, I selfishly went back to coffee...

So, while sipping my tea, I wrote a little more in my book.  Which, by the way is going fantastically!  I feel like I'm just writing away!  What a grand feeling it is to be writing!  And about John and me to boot!

Don't worry, when it's published, I'll think of every one of you while I'm spending my millions... ;)

I spoke with some friends today on the phone, got some insight and advice on all the "family" drama that is going on.  Yes, I do realize I put family in quotations.  I did that because I do not think of these people as my family anymore. 
John told me today to just "relax" and "let him take care of it".  Ok, John.  Have at it.  I'm sort of glad too.  Frankly, I'm sick of all of it.  I am washing my hands of it - ALL.  Yea me!  I no longer have to worry about it!  Which, by the way, also makes me feel relaxed. 

So, all in all, aside from the headache I woke up with, it was a wonderful day. 
A nice, calm, peaceful day.

I feel like a burden has been lifted and I can continue on with my life.  And for the most part, I'm unscathed. 

The only thing that sucks about it is that Olivia has lost some of her family.  I know that in time, though, this whole thing will be but a distant memory for her.  I had to go into her Ipod and delete some numbers and contacts, but we told her last night that we were going to do that anyhow, and she seemed pretty ok with it.  So, she too will go on with her life.  And now that Olivia will no longer be burdened, I can relax that much more.

I'm going to grab a nice long hot shower, make myself some hot tea and sit down and enjoy the rest of my day...

So, this is me...
A new refreshed me. 
And I couldn't feel better about it...

SHHH!! The 90's are Calling!!

Today, I had intentions of blogging about my childhood.  I thought of that topic while downloading music on to my Ipod.

A task that I never thought possible 20 years ago. 


I mean, over 4,000 songs on a single (ever-so-tiny device) with just a few clicks?? 


Do me a favor - those in their mid to late thirties.... close your eyes and remember what we had to do to get music without having to buy the whole album...

When I was 14 and I wanted a track or specific song, I'd first have to have an empty or at least 1/2 empty cassette tape. 

What a typical stereo looked like from my day...

With that cassette, I could fit an average of twenty songs per tape - which always depended on the length of the song or type of song I wanted. 
I'd also need a stereo with capabilities of recording.  The little red button in the options, right there next to "PLAY l> "  You'd have to have PLAY and RECORD pushed down, along with the PAUSE button. 
Then came the waiting....






The waiting till that one song that has been playing for weeks and sometimes months came onto your radio station.  That song that it seems everyone else owns - everyone else - but not you. 

There you are on the bus, on the school ride home, all of  the friends around you are listening to THAT ONE song that you're in absolute love with, there they are - just jamming to it...
If you were lucky, they'd have the volume turned up so loud, that you too could hear it, even at a muffled decibel. 

So, anyway, this is how it would usually play out for me while waiting for that perfect and ever-so-wanted song to come on to the radio.

Everything would be set up on my dresser.  I'd have the radio on and tuned in, and I'd go about my regular routine - or at least the one routine that I had that kept me trapped in my bedroom till I got what I wanted. 
That routine would be either doing homework, putting laundry away, or cleaning my room. 

 

But, it never failed.

"SYLVIA!!!!!!!"

I'd be summoned to help set the table or to answer an onslaught of questions by a parent about my school day....

Or, I'd be waiting and then I'd have to run to the bathroom....

Whatever the case was, whenever my song would come on...

I'd be straining to listen, eyes wide open and hear the song come on,  I'd say "SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" real loud, and then do an array of gymnastics through my entire house that would make any Olympic coach proud.  I would literally run siblings and pets over to get to that RECORD button on time....

Up the staircase, sometimes taking two steps at a time, past the kitchen right in front of me, jump over the dog, bolt past the bathroom, lightning fast down the hall past the laundry room, skip the two mini remaining steps at the end of the hall and literally one foot it to the left where my bedroom was, and where the song is already 10 seconds in, and dive onto the RECORD button. 


SIGH....


But, even though I missed that first few seconds of that beloved song,  I'd play it over and over again.  At the highest of high volumes, sometimes blowing out my speakers on my stereo or headphones.    I'd have that song on standby whenever I had to get the mail from the end of the driveway or walk across the creek to my grandparent's place - my Walkman, my AWESOME Walkman saw many sets of headphones attached to it. 

Of course, with cassettes came the task of winding the tape back into it, or the tape getting jammed into your equipment, at which case you'd still have to wind the tape back into it.  Then, even with all the bad sounding fixes embedded into it, I'd still play that song over and over again...

Until, I'd hear something even better...

Something even more enticing than the song I'm currently addicted to. 

I'd start that process all over again. 

Yup, that's what we used to do as kids and teens. 
How spoiled is this generation? 
I'd say pretty darned spoiled....

I mean, just look at what kids today have....

This and That part 4

You've heard it many times. 
All of my excuses on why I don't get around to blogging, however, are valid ones.
Just been trying to live life, one long day at a time.

So, for awhile, I was dealing with sickness.  Some sort of viral infection that had me coughing and sneezing and had my ears hurting.
After I was on the mend, Olivia got real sick.  In fact, she was so ill, I brought her to the emergency room. 
Let's see, she was put on antibiotics and something for pain in her ears as well.
The very next day, John woke me up and told me how bad he was feeling.

I woke up with a kick start in the pants when I realized it was John talking to me.

That man never gets sick.

He was feeling so bad, he had me call 911 for him because he thought that perhaps he was having a heart attack.

It wasn't heart related, thank the good Lord.  But, he did have a pretty bad case of pneumonia. 

After we all got better, I started seeing a new pain management doctor. 
He was all the way up in Allentown.  But, he knew his stuff and has me taking a new narcotic and made me stop taking my other pain meds. 
I started keeping a pain diary since my visit with him. 
A friend told me how depressing pain diaries are.  She's right.  This thing is so sad to look at.  But, it's important, if I'm going to get the best help possible, to keep track of daily pain.  It's not enough to just say, "I hurt every day." 
I do hurt every day.
But, it helps to know what else the day brought. 
Maybe I was super stressed that day.  Or maybe it was just a regular day and I still felt like I wanted to cut my own feet off.  What if I was cleaning that day and I noticed that I couldn't clean without taking a break every 10 minutes. 
All of the important information goes into my newly started pain diary.

I'm glad this pain management doctor isn't wasting my time either.  He went over past meds, current meds and right away put me on something stronger than I've ever taken before.  I am not after feeling like a zombie though.
I have a daughter I'm trying to raise.  I need real pain relief without the feeling of "cloudiness" or "empty headedness"  that goes along with almost all of the narcotics out there.  But, if I could get a drug out there that helps minimize my pain (at the very least) but yet keeps me feeling semi - human, I will be very grateful. 


I also recently started attending a women's Bible study.  I am really enjoying my journey with the book we're working on.  I was a little intimidated at first, but, after getting to know the women, I find that they're all after the same thing I am. 
Answers.  Answers to burning questions as to how and why God speaks to us.  And why He allows things to continue. 
I haven't received all of my answers yet.  And to be quite honest, I don't suspect to.  But, I do think that I am getting closer....

Anyway, I guess that's it for now...
Next time I blog, I want to blog about my past.  Just give you, my dear readers, a glimpse of what my life used to be like....
I hope you'll all enjoy it...
For now, thanks for reading...
Take Care...

Twelve Short Years Ago

When we think about today's to do list, let's not forget about those that gave their lives and lost their lives today - 12 short years ago.
When we think about the horrible commute to work, let's not forget about the horrible commute of those in the airplanes 12 short years ago.
When we think about dropping our children off at daycare, let's take a minute to remember those children lost and the children who lost their parents on that devastating day 12 short years ago.
When we think about tonight's dinner menu, please don't forget about those who never made it home to dinner 12 short years ago.

When we think about the terrible fight we had with our spouses, take a minute or two to forgive them, because too many lost their spouses on that horrible day 12 short years ago.

When we think about the doctor's appointment we have today, try to remember all of those who still suffer from the effects of September 11, 2001 - just 12 short years ago.





I remember that day. 

Everybody remembers that day.

John was unemployed at the time, and was home in the shower when it all started happening and unfolding on the TV in front of me.
I was crying hysterically as I watched person after person jump out of the buildings to escape the fiery death that awaited  behind them.
John came out in a towel, asked me what was wrong, and all I could do was hold him as he learned about what was happening.
Olivia was just a baby.
She was drinking a bottle in her crib, unaware of the horror going on in New York, Virginia, and right here in Pennsylvania.
I have the unfortunate job to remind her year after year of the unthinkable actions that caused such devastating death and formidable loss that day.  I have to remind her that while she was just an infant, many people lost their lives and gave their lives just 12 short years ago.

I hate watching her face every year at this time as I sit down to watch the various programs that discuss in agonizing detail the terrible acts committed that day - just 12 short years ago.

But, that day has forever changed our nation's history. 

That day is a day I will never forget. 

That day, I will always remember those who bravely gave their lives to save those who were trapped. 

I will hug my husband and my daughter a little tighter tonight before bed. 

I am thankful that I don't have to think of a lost loved one that day.

I will never forget.