Hello there, my few and loyal blog readers.
Lately, I've been feeling...
well...
I'm searching for the best word or phrase to describe how I'm feeling...
Aimless? no... not big enough of a word
Unproductive, perhaps? still not enough in there to describe how I'm feeling...
It's like the last few weeks, I've been feeling that there's absolutely nothing left for me to do... I mean, like literally... NOTHING...
Shit, I don't even have any real friends that I can call and hang out with. I mean - I do have real friends. But, these real friends all seem to have an exorbitant amount of money that they can spend to do real things with. Where as me... well, I'm pretty poor. When I say that I'm poor, I mean just that... I am pretty poor...
We have a huge savings... I mean, we have more money saved up now that we ever have... But, as far as everyday living and what not - we have nothing...
So, what do I do everyday? I get up. I pour a cup of coffee. I take my cup of joe and sit down in front of either my TV or my computer to catch up what's been going on since I last did that - about 6 or so hours before that moment..... Then, I'll pour a fresh cup of coffee. Then I'll take care of the little household things - make the beds, maybe do some dishes, clean out the litter box, every now and again I'll end up whipping out the vacuum cleaner to do some light vacuuming...
But, that's it!!!
So, life lately has been an aimless and unproductive rut. There I am going round and round and round in that rut. Feeling as if there's no escape. Feeling as though I cannot get out of that rut. Hoping for a real change in this rut. Anything would do. A curve that went in a different direction. A hill that went up or down. Heck, right now I'd settle for an absolutely new rut to go around and around in.
I am just not comfortable in my own skin anymore. I need to escape...
That's so unfortunate though...
Needing to do something that apparently you need money to do.
Yes, yes, yes.
You're all saying to "use your savings you stupid idiot!" "go on a vacation!" "take some savings and do something different!"
Our savings is actually - and only sort of - our way out of this rut. And that might not even happen like I think it may happen - if at all...
So, here I am...
I actually just spent about 10 hours in the ER yesterday. I dropped Olivia off at my sister's and drove myself to the ER.
Why did I go to the ER?
My family doctor suggested I go to the ER.
I've been sort of sick lately. It all started Friday when it started to burn while I was - ya know - sitting on the toilet... By the time that happened, my family dr. was already gone for the weekend. Then, Saturday I started to feel a bit worse.
But, the bad feelings - the complaints, if you will - were happening elsewhere.
I started coughing.
The coughing was consistent.
Not only was I coughing, but these coughs were "unproductive" - go figure, right...
Anyway, my insistent coughing turned into ribs hurting from all the coughing. Saturday night was pretty bad. I was up coughing and coughing and coughing some more.
I ended up feeling so sick that I had actually started to throw up - I'm pretty sure that was because of my coughing. But, that doesn't make vomiting any easier, does it? I mean, throwing up is still throwing up. It SUCKS!
So, by the time Sunday rolled around, I was feeling quite ill. I was praying for a quick return of Monday. Because Monday, I could call my doctor and go see him and get some magical pill to make all of my illness just go away...
So, Monday finally came and I went straightaway to my see my family doctor. He gave me some antibiotics and some sort of cough medicine that had codeine in it. He said it was a sinus infection that wasn't life threatening or contagious and that the antibiotics would also help with the - the burning when I - ya know...
Anyway, got home from the doc's office and took my first antibiotic and about an hour or so after taking that - I started throwing up again - but, from a different location - yes, that's all I'm going to say.... Except for maybe the fact that I was seeing the color of red in that "vomit" in the toilet. It was blood, I was sure of it... And this new type of "throwing up" had been going on about every 30 minutes or so. I had completely lost my appetite - I think the last thing I had eaten was on Saturday afternoon - and I don't even think I finished that. I couldn't eat. I couldn't drink. All I could do was cough, run to the bathroom, cry on the toilet, cry with my head in my puke bucket, crawl back to bed and cry and cough some more...
There was a short amount of time on Monday that I felt good enough to start feeling quite sorry for myself. I again had my "I'm stuck in this rut" feelings - did a little crying on my sister's shoulders and then waited for the next day to roll around so I could start all over... Hopefully without feeling as if I were dying and hopefully without feeling as though I needed to "run away".
But, Monday night mirrored Sunday night which had mirrored Saturday night. "Throwing up", not eating, not drinking, coughing all the time, head hurt, ribs had hurt from all the coughing. I felt pretty bad and called my family doctor again.
He told me to go to the ER.
So, I did.
The biggest thing they found was a pretty high white blood cell count (or maybe it was a pretty low white cell count) - whichever one it was, it was the opposite of what it should be. That, and I was really, really dehydrated. Two IV bags of fluids and some morphine (for the pretty bad rib pain) and some stomach ache reliever and that was it....
I clearly had infections - from what they could tell with my blood work and urinalysis, it was a few infections my body was trying to fight off. Clearly a really awful case of sinusitis, a bad UTI, the bloody "vomit" from the other direction - that particular test wouldn't be back for at least 48 hours, and they weren't sure about that one - but said I could go home - but to not mess around with the whole "vomit" from the other direction thing. If that continued, I was to come back right away to the ER, and they would have to admit me.
They sent me home with several new prescriptions - two of which they had to call in - but said to go home, rest, and rest some more. To try to eat and to definitely drink...
So far, not much has changed.
Well, scratch that. I still have the diarrhea (although, it isn't as frequent) and absolutely no appetite to speak of. But, whatever the ER doc gave me really helped me sleep. I slept more last night then I have in the last two nights. I am still coughing. My ribs still hurt.
So...
I think I'll give it till the end of today or tomorrow - and if I still feel this way, I'll go back to the hospital.
So, I guess I did get my change of scenery... A stint in the hospital ER isn't actually the dream vacation that I need, but I'll take it.
It beat looking at my same four walls. The same walls that have me feeling as if there's no escape. That there are these invisible chains keeping me to these walls.
I do know that someday soon, I'll be happy again. I'll be just content with what I have.
Hell, I've been content with what I have for more than 13 years.
It was time to fall apart. I can only smile and count my blessings for so long till I get sick of feeling like my blessings are far and few between.
I need something - trouble is - I don't know what I need.
I did talk to John about all of this. I suggested going out and finding some part time work (when I say part time, I really mean part time) I mean, even though I'm on disability - I can still work a little. It's called "the ticket to work" program and means I could do some work and still get to keep my disability benefits.
When I told John this, he looked at me like I was from another planet. He said that there's no way - with the way I feel all the time - with how unpredictable my condition is - that I could ever keep a job. Like EVER. I suppose he is right. I mean, nobody would keep me around long enough for me to even earn my first paycheck.
He suggested that I find myself a new hobby. A new friend. A new anything that will keep my mind off the fact that I'm stuck in this house - day in and day out.
He's right.
Cable TV can only entertain you for so long.
So...
I'm going to try and pick up something new. My sister suggested crocheting. A suggestion that until recently I have said "Absolutely NOT" to. But, maybe I can do it. It would keep my hands and brain busy. And that's always a good thing. And I would never have to shop for a new gift - ever. Christmas? Here's your new crocheted scarf. Birthday? Look, I made you a new purse. Anniversary? Hey, I made you new afghan.
Well, I guess that's it for now...
Thanks for reading.
Till next time...
