Sunday, December 29, 2013

Goodbye and Welcome

Even though, technically, the holidays aren't completely over, I feel as though they might as well be over. 
The most we do on New Year's Eve is over eat and sit on the couch watching the entire world - or so it seems - celebrate at Times Square in New York. 
There was a time in my life when I wanted to be one of those people in New York City.  A long, long, looooong time ago - but alas, my life's path chose to take me down a different way.
Not necessarily a bad way, but certainly not the way I had envisioned my life to be as a little girl or a teenager with the whole of life waiting for me - like a map with no roads or signs yet posted...
I'm not complaining though. 
I've had a semi normal life, full of regular teenage mishaps and childhood mistakes...
Aside from the way my body is falling apart, and the size of our almost non existent bank account, I can say that I'm generally a happy person with a pretty nice life. 
I mean, it could always get worse, right?
Who am I to complain about not being able to be where all the other people are...  like in New York City listening to music and dancing around just praying I'd be seen on TV. 

I certainly have a lot to be thankful and grateful for. 
I have an amazing husband, and one terrific daughter.  I have lots of friends.  I have a huge family that I get to hang out with on special occasions. 
But, sometimes I feel as though life should have dealt me a better hand. 

A hand that didn't involve my pancreas dying or my feet feeling as though they're on fire - with thumbtacks stuck in them, day in and day out.  How about a hand full of money and a nice big house that isn't falling apart around me? 
Would that have been too much to ask for?

I don't know...
I feel silly complaining...
I mean, it could always get worse... right??

This past year, as I reflect upon the many ups and downs we went through, has definitely been the typical roller coaster that life can sometimes be. 
We have dealt with financial loss, a few pet deaths, some family crap (that has left us just scratching our heads wondering why these people are the way they are) and we've also dealt with ALOT of medical let downs.
I will not get into it here, but something showed up in my blood work this past year that has (and still is) scaring the living daylights out of us.  We don't want to be too worrisome about it, because more testing still needs to be done - which I hear is happening after the new year.  I'm going to say that if the tests don't come back differently or it comes back a lot worse, I will be seeing one of the only specialists that I have been able to avoid thus far.  Let's just pray it doesn't come down to that.

I also have been medicated more than I would've have liked to have been.  I mean, I never wanted to be on such strong opioids at this stage in my life.  Who wants to be in a medicated fog for the duration of their life?  Or at least until they come up with some sort of medical miracle to fix my very painful neuropathy....  Which I am still hoping and praying for.  They have made great strides in getting to the bottom of what causes type 1 diabetes, and therefore have been working on finding a cure for it, so why can't they come up with something for my neuropathy???


I think I'll be happy to say good bye and good riddance to 2013.  The year of family B.S., medical troubles, and financial dire straits. 
Maybe in 2014, we will hit the jackpot.  Not just the monetary kind either.  I'm talking like life taking a completely and utterly new turn.  A turn that leads into a lush, green valley full of berries, wildlife, rainbows, and green grass.   Maybe even a log cabin nestled in the mountain side...

As I ponder what the new year may hold, I am not going to make any new resolutions.  Typically, I make them, and ultimately I just let myself down by not sticking with them... It's best if I don't set the bar too high this year. 

I am hoping for things to get better.  I am praying that things certainly do NOT get any worse.  So, here's to hoping and praying for a better year...

Happy New Year to all my loyal (but still few) blog readers...
May this new year bring everything you've hoped for and may your lives be richly blessed...

Thanks for reading!

Friday, December 27, 2013

Nocturnal Horror

Before I even knew what a night terror was, I was awakened in a confused state of sweat, panic, and disorienting feelings by all my siblings.  Some of them with just looks of complete horror on their faces.  I have been dealing with nightmares, night terrors and sleep walking since I was a little girl... What makes my terrifying experiences so horrible is that I have them ALL the TIME.  Not just once or twice a month.  I have them almost EVERY single night of my life.

I would always either be crying and upset or bothered that all of them were in there with my light turned on and mad because I had thought that they woke me up to just be annoying siblings.

My night terrors and my crazy enough nights that have me walking while slumbering have continued into adulthood.

I just awoke from a night terror that left me in all kinds of mental anguish.  Most of the ones that leave me uncontrollably crying and upset are the ones that involve me or someone I love dearly dying in some horrific way. 

Tonight was no exception.

In the best way I know how, I will summarize this intimidating and scary night played delusion that my nightmares only know how to be.

A weird house with many floors.  I can both be inside looking out of one of it's many windows, and also see it from the outside looking upon it massive size and extent.  From the outside, I could see the building with many occupants inside - some staring at me from their windows, others just going about their day - watching TV or ironing a pair of pants...
When I made a 180 degree turn from the outside of the building, there were woods.  The woods in my nightmare reminded me of the woods that were outside my childhood bedroom.  I remember thinking that very thought when the shock and horror of gunfire and a huge group of boys and men came by with an arsenal of weaponry.  Some of them had guns and were aiming and shooting at those in the window and others had rocks in their hands threatening to strike without care as to where the rock would find it's final resting place.
All of the sudden I was back in the building, and I was screaming and yelling for the sounds of gunfire and babies crying and woman and men alike wailing to please just "STOP!  PLEASE JUST STOP!"  At one point I ducked down and realized that I was in a room that looked like something straight out of a Stephen King novel.  The room was like an old factory, with dirt and old tools skewed about in no particular order.  I could see Olivia's feet underneath a bed.  The bed was that of an old hospital - with rails and old sheets still on it.  I stood up as the noises started to come to a stop, and when I did that, Olivia was looking at me with blood all over her hands. 
She said, "Mommy, they got my Lamby!" 

*(FYI, Lamby is Olivia's prized possession.  She's had it for many years.  It was an Easter gift inside of an Easter basket filled with candy and sweets.  All she wanted was that stuffed lamb.  And they have been inseparable since.)*

When I saw what Olivia was crying about, I became enraged in my dream.  I started to curse and holler and I woke myself up screaming over and over again, "Knock it off!   Knock it off!"

When I became aware of my surroundings - tonight, it only took a few seconds, but some nights, a full couple of minutes go by before I realize that I'm in my own bed - I was covered in sweat.  I had immediately started to cry, and John was next to me and I had woke him up as well. 
John's still not used to my nocturnal antics.  Sometimes he says he's scared to be in the same bed with me.  He says it sometimes sounds like I'm having a regular conversation with a ghost.  I'll just be talking and talking and I'll even wait for "replies" and I'll continue talking.  My eyes will be open and sometimes I'll even be sitting up in bed looking at an invisible person.
John admittedly says that he still sleeps with one eye open. 

I know that most of you are thinking that all the medicines I take are probably the culprit to my nightly bouts of fear and dread. 
And if these happenings had just started a few years ago, I would have the inclination to concur. 
However, I have four siblings that will tell you that I've been doing this forever.

I don't know why God chose me to have the curse of night terrors.  I mean, I go places in my sleep that I never want to see again.  One time, I swear I was in a bona fide haunted house, looking upon ghosts of all manner - scary, sad, happy, some helpful  - but I saw them all.  And when I awoke from that particular terrifying ordeal, my bedroom light stayed on the rest of that evening - much to John's disappointment.

As I sit here and blog about my latest horrifying nightmare, I can now be at a level of calm - probably not calm by any normal definitions - but calm enough to stop crying.  Calm enough to maybe rectify this night with some peaceful slumber. 
I know that I am doomed to have more of these horrific experiences, but I know that all of my dreams aren't bad.  Every now and again, I wake up feeling as if I had just won the jackpot, because I had a pleasant dream-cation.  But, my scary ones definitely out number the good ones. 

Well, I guess that's it for now...
I'm off - back to bed with me...
Maybe some night time chamomile tea will help soothe my anxious spirit.
Good night all!
if you can
Sweet Dreams.


Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Decking the Halls and Caroling for Christmas!

I'm not sure about you, my few but loyal blog readers, but I am really enjoying this holiday season.  Christmas of 2013 is really starting to take a wondrous shape!
And already, we have picked up nearly a foot of snow!!!  And that's just the start of what is turning out to be such a great Christmas season!

Once our decorations were up, I was set.
Heck, as soon as Halloween is over, I'm all set for the holidays.  I especially love Christmas though.
There is something kind of magical that happens this time of year.

I know what you're all thinking too...

Sylvia, what about all the rude people.  The ones who only care about the huge Black Friday deals and what they're going to receive this year underneath of the tree?

Well, I say - let them be that way.  Let all of them stand around in the cold weather, probably at the cost of a great conversation over pumpkin pie and coffee - just to save a few measly bucks on something - something, I am sure wasn't even for their kids either.

I say let them be miserable!
They're missing out on all the glorious holiday happenings!

I think the thing I love the most is all of the pretty lights.  Up and down my street I see gorgeous pretty twinkling lights.  I see loads of really well placed holiday decorations that someone had to spend hours putting up.
I can certainly appreciate the hard work that goes into such magnificent adorning!  Talk about really "decking the halls"!

I am really quite fond of the Christmas music as well.  My favorite festive music comes from The Trans Siberian Orchestra.  Their rendition of The Carol of the Bells really gets me in the mood to celebrate the joy of the season.
I can be found on many nights just looking at my own indoor gala of both twinkling and non twinkling ornamental and gorgeous light display listening to the melodious songs of the Christmas season.  Silver Bells, Away in the Manger, We Three Kings, Joy to the World, and Hark! The Herald Angels Sing are all favorites!
I love the feel of the season too!  The cold snap of air that arrives that just demands taking the electric blanket out of the closet and to get the old slippers out from under the bed... It all just makes me very warm on the inside.  (and that just ain't the neuropathy I'm feeling either...)
I don't know... I just really love this time of year.

It's also one of the few times out of the year that my entire side of the family gets together to talk, eat, play games, and catch up.  And the laughter that can be heard will put any other loud family to shame!  I laugh some of the hardest at this time of year when all my brothers (and brothers in law) and John all get together.  They start making jokes and saying silly little things that sometimes has me running to the bathroom so I don't have any embarrassing situations...

It's just all so fun for me!

I also really enjoy the time off my Olivia has from school.  The daily hum drum of homework and studying can be put aside for a couple of weeks and it can replaced with eating too many cookies, and putting together toys that make lots of annoying noises, and watching holiday classics on TV.  Sleeping in, sipping on hot chocolate or coffee and just snuggling on the couch is a past time that Olivia and will be enjoying to its max this year!

I have a feeling that this year, Olivia and I will grow really close.  She's getting alot older now.  Changing in so many ways, that it's sometimes hard to wrap my head around.  She's getting to that age where we can talk about more serious things and she can comprehend more complex conversations.  That day is over where she is forced to eat at the "kids table".  And I'm really looking forward to getting to know her as a young woman, as opposed to that little girl who just wants to play Barbies or Littlest Pet Shop.
Don't get me wrong - I really enjoyed her younger years!  I loved to hear her giggle when we played together with all of her little girly toys.  I've sipped on so much imaginary tea, that it would make any Englishman proud.  So even though what we're doing together is beginning to change somewhat, my love and respect for her is growing and deepening into something very special and unique to just Olivia and me.

Going into this season, it got a little bumpy.  My health took a turn for the worse, and John and I had to deal with so much family crap, that I really thought this year was going to be Grinchified beyond recognition.  Just the opposite though!  We have grown closer as husband and wife and had to lean so much on one another - Olivia as well - that I have such new admiration for the two closest people in my life.  So, this year, despite all of the untruths and troubled correspondences, we are embarking on (in my opinion) one of the most fabulous Christmas's yet!

So, in the words of some of my favorite rodents, Christmas, please don't be late!

Merry Christmas to all of my blog readers!  I probably won't be on till next year (hehehe, I always hated that "See you next year!" trick they pulled at the start of every holiday vacation when I was in school)
But, no, seriously, I probably won't be on till after the New Year.  If I do hop on to do any sort of blogging, it'll be to maybe talk about how fun (although I'm sure my body will hate me afterwards) my family get together was...
Merry Christmas to all of you!!!!  Enjoy!

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Ahem... Pass the Ivory...

Love is in the air.

Despite the constant need for rest and "off my feet" time, and despite the fact that I am in almost constant pain, I am feeling very exuberant tonight.
In a few short days, John and I will be celebrating our 14th wedding anniversary.

Fourteen years!
It's simply amazing how fast time is going!  When I tell people that we are about to celebrate this anniversary with fourteen years under our belts, I always get a surprised look.  The look is something that makes me feel both self righteously happy and saddened all at the same time.

I like the idea that about half of the people I encounter see it as a surprise because it means that we have (and will continue to do) accomplished something that isn't always easy to accomplish and achieve.  We have a love for one another that most will never understand.  And it's such a happy and joyous love that the last fourteen years have just  flown by!  These last fourteen years weren't a chore or something to put our heads down and muddle through! 
These last fourteen years have been ecstatic and wonderful!!!
Sure, we have had bad times - We're a pretty poor married couple, but money doesn't always equate to being happy.  How else could we be this cheerful and yet not always have two pennies to rub together?  And my continued health problems have also been weighing us down and testing our love. 
I have to tell you though - the poorer we get and the sicker I feel, that's when we find that we love each other even more...
That's because those times is when we discover (time and time again) that we need each other!  And we have learned throughout the years to depend on one another and to look out for one another!  And that need for each other, that will to survive has only brought us closer together - both as husband and wife, and as the best of friends!

I said before that when people look at me with that silly astonished looks on their faces when we talk about our marriage - our happy and joyous marriage - that it also saddens me. 
That's true too.
It does sadden me.
How can marriage be that difficult to keep together?  How can two people, who have claimed their love for one another, more than likely in front of God and family and friends, not know how to keep their marriages from falling apart?
I have several hypotheses when it comes to this question.  But, for the most part, I think it's because most people have forgotten on how to work at their marriage.  They have grown complacent and lazy.  They threw away their vows and opted for half of everything with every other holiday and summer. 
And that saddens me. 

But, there's no time to be sad!
We're about to celebrate our anniversary! 
I am pretty sure we're going out to eat.  But, the weather may hold us in this weekend.  So, we talked about ordering in and maybe spending some extra time at the old homestead with one another.

I am one lucky girl.
I have - simply put, but very true nonetheless - the world's most amazing husband!
I still can't believe how great of a guy I have!  He takes my breath away every single day - every single day.
If it's not the glance I steal when he's putting on his cologne, it's the way he does the dishes at night.  If it's not the fact that he's rubbing my feet, it's the sexy way he runs the vacuum cleaner in the living room.  If it's not the way he sings (off key and loudly) in the shower, it's the way he dotes on our daughter.  If it's not the fact that he breaks his back to support our house, it's the way he grocery shops every single week. 
So, yeah, he takes my breath away every single day. 

When I look at John and I recall the things he has told me about watching the marriage(s) he grew up with (and of course witnessing some of it for myself), I am surprised at how much of a stand up guy he really is.  Talk about not becoming a statistic!  He's such an astounding and moral and caring guy, that it's so hard to comprehend at times. 
Then again, I can't be too awfully surprised.  I was always told to marry someone who is like my own dad. 
I watched (and still do to this day) my daddy do the very same things for my mom that John does for me - day after day.  My dad really cares for my mom - my dad would steal the moon for my mom - and that was always evident in their marriage!  I have learned that a man should always respect their wives.  Not to berate them, not to yell at them, not to belittle them, and certainly not to abuse them.  I have learned that a man should always care, honor, and appreciate their wives.  Of course, it's the same for women as well. 

I always cringe when I hear people say that marriage is 50-50.  Ugh... That's the farthest thing from the truth!  Marriage only works when it's both people putting in 100% of their time, devotion, and compassion!  If I only gave John half of what I had to offer, our marriage would've ended a long time ago.  Same goes for John as well.  If I only got half of him, I don't think I'd be sitting here tonight blogging about how incredible my marriage is.

The hardest my marriage was - and I think this is true for most marriages - was the first year we were married.  I think we fought at least once a week for almost the entire year.  Ha!  The fights we had!  We broke a lot of dishes that first year! 
Ahhh... But, that was so long ago!  And let me tell you, I am still so fascinated by my truly happy and healthy marriage. 

So, how can two people who have very little in the form of materialistic possessions still be so unbelievably in love?


All of those things equal a wonderful marriage!

                                                      John and me (at the JOP) on our wedding day... <3

                                                                                   The appropriate gift (for 14 years) is ivory... :)