Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Loving in an Unconditional Sort of Way (isn't always easy)

So, Olivia had a good friend of hers spend the weekend at our house not that long ago.  She's known this girl for many years, and John and I have come to know and love her as well.
We had plans to go to church.  Their main reason for wanting to go was the hopes of seeing my mom (Olivia's Nanny) there, so they could show her the new bracelets that they had been working on.
While on the phone with my mom on Saturday night, I had inquired to her whether or not she had planned on coming to church the next day.
My mom had said she would try her best to come, if only to see Olivia. 
I couldn't help but think how amusing that response was.

When Sunday morning rolls around, the first instinct I have is to turn off the alarm clock and pull the covers over my head.  Seriously.  The last thing I want to do is get up out of bed, especially in the colder months, just to listen to how bad of a sinner I am.
I usually lie in bed for a few minutes, turn the TV up so I can hear it, and then I will reflect on the reasons that I should go to church. 
I can always count on both hands the reasons why I should get up and go to church, and only count on one hand the reasons to stay home - unless of course I'm really ill or something to that effect.

What has church done for me?

Well, it certainly puts into perspective the actions that I have done for the week.  Some bad, some good, some indifferent.
I usually walk away with a more kind and generous attitude than when I first walked into church.  And I also learn new and more prudent ways to worship God.

With all of that said....

I continue to stumble, day after day.  Week after week.  And month after month. 
I sometimes will apologize for wrong doing, but there are times when my stubbornness will definitely override any feeling of good will or mature responses.
My thoughts, if I am to be perfectly honest is usually like this...
"Apologize to them???  Really?  They need to apologize to me!"

And there's that selfish attitude that we all suffer with. 
Yup.  I am selfish.  And stubborn.  And wicked.  And I can be a real pill at times. 
But, I am no different than any of the people in church with me  -  or of course any of the people that don't go to church. 
We're all the same.  Selfish  minded people. 
And none of us likes to admit it. 
But, here I am. 
Admitting to what I am...
I have a lot of positive attributes though.  I am a kind woman, but usually to those that are kind to me first.  I am a phenomenal mom, but usually when Olivia is behaving as she should.  I am a terrific wife - there's no "but" for this one. 
I am a terrific wife. 
So, why is it that my good only comes out when good first happens to me.  And why is it that my bad flies out when bad has happened to me?
It's because I am human.
And humans, by default are selfish creatures. 

A few weeks ago, I had to deal with family crap - crap that I didn't bring on, but crap that I had to deal with nonetheless.  I dealt with lies - told about me.  I dealt with mean behavior.  I dealt with selfish mindsets.  I dealt with child like attitudes.  I dealt with people in my life that have never really respected me as a mom or a wife.  I dealt with people who wanted to bring me down. 
At first when it all started, I mean initially, when it first happened, I decided that I wasn't going to bring John in on what was being said to me and what was being done to me.
I thought to myself that John wasn't going to have to deal with this.  He's dealt with it his whole life and I didn't want to bring him in.  I wanted to keep him out of it.
That was my first mistake.

I should've told him the minute it happened.  But because of that action, because of my not wanting to let John know what was going on, I let those who were doing me wrong have all the power.
That power didn't last for long though.  At most, a little less than 24 hours.  Till those who were persecuting me went too far and started to tell lies. 
That's when I told John everything.  And that's when "you know what" hit the fan. 
That's when years of church going and proper upbringing should've won. 
A truly kind person would've forgave and let it go. 
But, I am not a truly kind person. 
I wanted to fix it and fix it fast, and fixing it for me was to try and handle it the way I saw fit.
So, I sent an email and blogged about my family troubles.  After all, blogging is what I do when I'm upset about anything.Heck, I could be sick for a few days and then blog, and almost instantly I almost always feel better.
So, what I do is write.  I write till I exhaust my hands and fingers.
That's exactly what I did.  I turned to my computer for comfort and peace.  I let my feelings take hold and I let the words come out - some were mean, albeit true.  And I see now that maybe I should've kept my blog posts to just a smaller audience. 
My thoughts were always, "Heck, if they don't like it, they don't have to read it."  or  "Let them start their own blog."  or  "Ya know, it's my blog, and I can write about what I want when I want."

All thoughts that were wrong in theory, although right in what was said...

Wrong though for not just getting up and dealing with it like we should've. 
Perhaps, we should've done it face to face.  Although, in the past, that wasn't always the wisest choice.  Maybe I should've let John take the reins from the get go.  Instead of letting them hurt me, I could've just let it roll off of me and not paid any attention. 
But, as a sinner, a person who thinks "worldly thoughts" first, I decided to handle it in my own way. 

And boy, that was a wrong move, because it cost - not only me and John - but Olivia as well. 

So, while I didn't start this whole thing, I could've ended it a long time ago. 
I could've been the hero here in this situation.  I could've been the bigger person.  I could've been the more honorable person. 
I chose to be selfish - in pointing out all the things that they had said and done that were untrue.  I chose to be wicked - in letting the world in on private matters.  I chose to be stubborn - in not just letting it go. 
I held on to emotions and feelings that had no place in my life.  I clung on to the need "to prove them wrong".  I desperately needed to be right. 

And that, my few, but dear readers was wrong.

I was wrong. 

I was wrong.

I was wrong.

I wasn't wrong in what initially started this whole mess. 
I was wrong in how I reacted to this whole mess.

Sure, they were wrong too.  But, I can't control them.  I can only control me. 
And I acted in an out of control responses.

So, I think I will keep going to church. 
I think it does me good to reflect on my bad attitude (at times) and it certainly can't be wrong in just loving people - even those who are hard to love - in a more God like way.  In an undemanding and consequence free kind of way. 
Nobody can go wrong when they love like that. 

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