Friday, April 25, 2014

Nocturnal Horrors #2

Unrealistic as they are, I still get bothered greatly by my horrible and vivid nightmares.

I have blogged about my night terrors before, and all of that is still the case.

I am still waking up in cold, clammy sweats crying or yelling about some strange creature that I have encountered while in a deep sleep.  Or perhaps, it's a dream about losing John in the middle of nowhere with no chance of finding him or getting out of the middle of nowhere.
Sometimes, I don't even need to be in my REM stage of sleep.  My night terrors can arrive on those days when I take a mini 30 minute nap during the day; I guess in that case, it would be a day terror.

And I hate every single one.  And it doesn't matter what time of day or night I have them.

Tonight, I just awoke from one that I do remember and it wasn't pretty.  John says that I was yelling pretty loudly right before waking up, and this time I do remember why I was indeed yelling.  I was running away from a big winged "thing" and trying to carry my (for some reason) infant Olivia in my arms at the same time.

It was horrible!!!

I have already sought out help from a sleep specialist.  And I had two different sleep studies done.  Now, I have a feeling that I will have to return to a place I thought it was safe to say "goodbye" to.  The psychiatrist.  It seems that my nightmares and night terrors are getting worse instead of better.  No pill is going to fix this either.  I think I will have to start talking my stuff out.  While John is a very patient listener for that sort of thing, I know that he is just not the right person to be discussing my slumber issues with.  I need a professional.

I really don't care why I am having them.  I know I should care.  But, I don't.  I just want them to stop.  And I don't want to hear that because of "some child hood instance that made me feeling alone and vulnerable" is the reason for these either.  The fact is, I had a pretty good child hood, if not sheltered a bit.  But, even during my happy childhood, I had these night terrors and nightmares that my whole family can attest to.
I do remember several of the ones from childhood.  Strange as that  sounds, those seem more real to me than the ones I am having now.  One in particular, my dad was involved in.

I was only 4 or 5 at the time, and went to bed one night, normal as any other night.  This night, however, (and this all took place after I had been sleeping for some time)  at the end of my bed, where my feet were, I felt something cold and slimy.  I woke up screaming!  Literally, screaming.  My voice got so hoarse from all the screaming, but that's how long I actually screamed  until my door opened and my dad walked in to "save the day" ...
I saw him come in, and at that moment, my legs were up to my chest because I didn't want to "feel" the slimy thing at the end of my bed.  Dad gave me a weird look, pulled up the covers and there it was... something so odd looking, there are no words to describe what it was.  The only word I can think of to use is "alien".  It was a wet, jelly like, slimy and alien looking thing that he removed from my bed, and quickly threw into the garbage can.  My garbage can from my own bed room.
But for some reason, that had calmed me down.  And I remember my dad bending down to kiss me on my forehead and tuck me back into bed where I drifted off into a peaceful hibernation till the morning.
When I awoke the next morning, I instantly remembered my terrifying night time ordeal and hopped out of bed and walked across my bedroom to the trash can.  Not really wanting to look, but knowing I wouldn't be satisfied if I didn't look, I decided to look inside.
What I saw was more confusing than what had happened the night before.
What I saw was NOTHING.
There was nothing in my trash can.  It was completely empty.  There wasn't even paper from a messed up drawing in there.  It was as if the trash can was brand new and never used.  Completely clean, and completely empty.
Confused, and also a bit worried that the "alien" may have gotten out, I ran out of the bedroom and into the kitchen where my dad was sitting at the counter drinking coffee.
I asked him what had happened to the "slimy thing from my bed."
He claimed to not have a memory of it whatsoever.  That I dreamt the whole thing.  That it was all in my head.  That nothing at all happened last night.

That memory is so ingrained into my head, I still to this day sometimes bring it up to my dad in conversation.  He still to this day just smiles and tells me that I always had weird dreams and he insists nothing of the sort ever happened.  Ever.
I told John about that awful night (earlier on in our marriage), and he sort of gave me the same look my dad gave me.  Like I had lost my mind - but in a cute, "Oh Sylvia, you're so crazy" type of way.  Not in the psychotic, "I need specialized therapy" type of way.

So, you see, I've always been plagued by nighttime scares and it's these types of thing that has me awake every single night... Well, ok... Not every single night.  But, more than I think is normal.
So, I suppose I will make an appointment to see a therapist and see if I can't pin point where all of these crazy, scary, and awful dreams are coming from.  It certainly couldn't hurt.

Well, I guess that's it for now. It's after 2 in the morning and I need to go back to sleep.  Or at least back to bed to see if I can, indeed, fall asleep.  Hopefully this time, I won't wake up by a nightmare...

Thanks for reading, as always.  And of course, sweet dreams - my dear and loyal readers...

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Happy-ish Easter

We had such an amazing weekend!  The weather was just bright and sunny and I am finally seeing the buds starting to pop on the tress outside.  Dandelions and tulips have just started to introduce us again to the wondrous colors of spring and summer!  And my car is again being covered in that green stuff called pollen, already reminding me how poor I utterly am so I cannot go visit the car wash till payday...

But, yes, spring has definitely sprung around here!

More importantly, we just celebrated Easter.  And as I strive to look beyond colored eggs, baskets full of bright wrapping and chocolate bunnies, I can't help but think about what Jesus did for me - and it certainly wasn't that He ran to the nearest convenience store to pick out marshmallow peeps in my favorite color.

He gave His life for me. 

 He suffered horrid scars and torment, so people like me - ungrateful and spoiled brats, such as myself - can be saved.  I find it difficult to imagine and even more difficult to really ponder what He went through for little ole' me.

But, after He selflessly gave up His life for me, another miracle occurred when three days later, He rose again from death.  What a miraculous sight that must've been!  I can only try to imagine what the guards were thinking when the angel appeared to them and told them that Jesus had risen...

So, as I think about the amazing and wonderful thing that has been done for me, I find it very difficult to complain about my own situation.  After all, I certainly don't deserve the grace that I have been shown.  And I know that I can never really know the true impact of what Jesus did for me.  But, I also know that God only gives to those what He knows they can handle.  And that with every test I am given, I am to learn from it and try to pass on my message to others.

I have failed many of my tests.  I know that now.  And I know I will continue to fail others.  But, knowing that I have failed and not doing something about it would an even bigger atrocity.
With that thought in mind, I will try to be a better example of what someone who truly walks in the light of the Lord should be.  I will try not to let my petty pains and insecurities weigh me down.
Sure, the pain I am dealt with is very hard to live with.  But, so would living with this pain if I didn't have God to turn to.  And I know I have others in my life I could turn to as well...
So, I am very sorry if I have led anybody to believe that I am not a saved individual. I would hate to die and for people to be at my memorial wondering about where I "ended up".  I want people to be sure that I am going to be in Heaven!  I want those left here on Earth to know that they will definitely see me again one fine day.  I don't want people to say, "She was a Christian???"

When I do start to stumble - which I most undoubtedly will do - please try and not be too harsh or judgmental.  Try to be understanding, uplifting, and kind.  After all, none of us are perfect.
I, in return, will not only be grateful for your willingness to support me and my imperfections, but I will also strive to be the same way with you.

Happy Easter...

Thanks for reading...

Till next time...

(just an FYI - we had an amazingly delicious dinner over my folks house this afternoon.  My sister and her clan was there as well.  Great food and some really refreshing laughter permeated from the Oley area today...)

Friday, April 18, 2014

A Sad Country Song

Wow... What  a long break it's been between posts.  How many times do I have to apologize before I slowly start running out of readers.  I don't have many, albeit true, but I would like to at least keep the ones I currently have.  And it won't happen if I am not more consistent in my posting.
So, again, I am terribly sorry that I've been "away" for a little while.

I'd like to always make excuses for why I've been away, today, I only have one or two valid excuses and reasons for being so absent.  The rest of my justifications are just that I've been feeling lazy.

So, I guess I will officially start out with excuse number 1.

Since our refrigerator stopped working a few months ago, it seems everything else electronic wanted out of our lives as well.  Soon after Mr. Fridge stopped running  (Is your refrigerator still running?  It is?? Well, then you better go catch it!!!!), our dryer caught fire and had to be thrown out with it's life partner, who goes by Mr. Washer.  You see, Mr. Dryer and Mr. Washer were a complete unit, and once one goes, the other usually goes along for the ride.  So, I had to say goodbye to three major appliances in a very short amount of time.  And now, we have three brand new appliances in the house, that are probably worth more combined than our actual home is...

So, when all of our appliances handed in their walking papers, I started scouring the internet looking for deals and sales so we didn't have to pay an arm and a leg to afford them... The fridge was the only thing I was able to get a really good deal on.  After that, I was so sick of trying to save money, I opted for saving my sanity instead.  We went blindly into Lowe's to buy a washer and a dryer.  And this time, we got side by side appliances.  That way, when one goes, we don't have to say goodbye to two instrumental devices at once...

A few weeks ago, we started noticing a little green mark on the left side of our TV screen that occasionally rears it's ugly head.  Not too bad and awful now, but we already resigned ourselves of this electronic friend as well.  So, when we make up our minds on what type of TV we will actually get, I will again be looking for deals and steals on the internet.  Gotta love Craigslist.

Excuse number 2

My health isn't the greatest.  You all know about my type 1 diabetes.  And most of you also know that I have small fiber neuropathy as a direct result of my type 1 diabetes.  So, many days are spent in pain.  And while blogging and posting used to bring me comfort, I am finding that it's doing the opposite of just that.  I am no longer calmed or relaxed while writing.  And I know it's because my pain level is so out of control.  I was already told that at my next pain management appointment that I need to have my pain meds changed.  And while that is all fine and dandy, my next appointment isn't till June.
My (pain management) doctor said that I am becoming "used" to my pain meds.  And that is a scary slope that I wish I wasn't on.  I knew that the day would come (that I would become numb to my medicine), but I guess I was just hoping for a much later date.  I am so stressed out over the lack of relief I am getting and I only get 1 or 2 days a week now that my pain level is at a 5 or under.  This just started a few weeks ago.  I even had a family doctor's appointment and during that particular visit, I had almost zero complaints due to my pain.  But, that changed two days or so later...

I also have been having a heck of a time sleeping.  I have so many night terrors and I also have an incredible amount of pain in the evening hours that I am lucky to have 3 good  solid hours of sleep.  Not being able to take alot of sleepless nights, I began the God awful task of scheduling sleep studies.
At my first one, I was hooked up to a million different wires that did a million different things and had (not surprising) an awful night of sleep.  I got my results and it turns out that I have high-mild (meaning, close to moderate) sleep apnea.  My dream (or REM) sleep is so active, the nurse was quite surprised at everything that was said during the night.  I knew I was an active dreamer though (and the sleep study people know it now too), because my husband still (14 years later) sleeps with one eye open.  He is constantly telling me of the crazy antics I do during the night time hours.  I swear like a sailor, I have full on conversations - so much so that if I'm in bed before John, he actually gets up to be sure there's nobody else in the bedroom that I am talking to.  I yell and scream during the night, I get violent and throw punches and kicks.
 Both John and Olivia said that sometimes they see me with arms raised up (and they equate what it looks like by comparing what I do to the motion of how the Nazi's greeted Hitler) and I also have walked in my sleep.  I think the last time I walked in my sleep, though, was when Olivia was first born.  So, yeah, I really don't get alot of sleep.  And the sleep study recognized it right away.
I was scheduled for a second stay, and in that stay I was given a CPAP machine (I chose the kind that just goes into my nostrils) and I am currently awaiting those results.

I was also told at my last ophthalmologist's appointment that I have glaucoma.  Well, actually what they said was that "Your retinopathy has all but cleared, but it looks like you have glaucoma."   My face was instantaneously a smile turned frown when I heard that particular news.  I already have a vision field test scheduled and we will see how bad it is at that appointment.

So, you see, we've been dealing with quite a lot around here.  It seems after our dog died, that our lives turned into a sad and depressing country song.

I do have a bit of good news though.

GASP!  (did she say good news?)

I sure did.

The first weekend in May, John is taking Olivia and me camping.  I for one, cannot wait!!!  A change of scenery will do all of us a world of good!  I am really looking forward to climbing into my comfortable hammock again.  I seem to get the best sleep in those.  Even with the nightmares and apnea.

Easter is in day or so.  We have plans to visit with my parents for Easter dinner.  I am to bring the green bean casserole.
John and I spent way too much time and giggled a little too much while we were creating and wrapping up Olivia's Easter basket.  That man really knows how to make me laugh.  Even in the most mundane things, like wrapping a gift, he has me holding my sides because they hurt form laughing.  You have to love a guy who will strive to make his wife see past her pain and to bring a smile to her face... And he does that for me almost every day.

I've said it on here before, and I stand by it today.  For John to grow up the way he did... with all the moving and changing schools (he quoted me an actual number, and I think he said like 5 or 6 different moves and schools)  and some of the dysfunction of his family and even going through a horrible loss and death, and to turn out... like... like.... the exact opposite of  what you would expect.  He didn't (and doesn't) let all the crap he went through bring him down.  He is just so kind.  So caring.  So compassionate.  So loving.  So protective... He amazes me every day.  He surprises me every day.  I will continue to support him every day.  And I know that he loves me every day.


So, anyway, I guess that's it for now.
Thanks for reading, and till next time...