Thursday, August 8, 2013

Fight for my Right to NOT have to Fight...

I know I promised to stay in touch.  For my absence, I apologize. 
I have good reason to not have written like I should however. 

Life is just full of ups and downs.  Some I can handle, some I need help with. 

I got a phone call today from one of the elders at my church.  I was sitting down on my couch, like every other afternoon - today was not a good day - the pain in my legs and feet was just unbearable
So, as I was sitting down on my couch, I had started to cry.  Crying is my go to thing to do.  I cry because I am an emotional person.  I cry because I hurt so bad (or is it badly)...
Anyway, I was crying. 
Then my phone rang.
I picked up and as soon as I heard my friend (who happens to be an elder at church) - as soon as he said "Hi kiddo, it's Mike" I lost it....
The tears flowed uncontrollably and there was nothing I could do about it.
I think God knew I needed a man of enduring faith - you see, Mike deals with a lot of pain as well - but God knew I needed a man like Mike to call me today.
He knew that I would've been crying "tears in my beers" all day if nobody had called to say hi. 
You see, I take a lot of medication - some to keep me alive, some to help me stay healthier, and some for my unending pain.  And yet, all of those pills do not help my feelings of (at times) hopelessness and loneliness. 
I got back from vacation recently.  My parents took me and my daughter camping.  And while it was good to get out of my county and out of my boring house for awhile, it was difficult for me to have real fun. 
It seems like every time I try to get away - either with my extended family - or with my hubby and daughter - I just don't have fun any more. 
I suffer greatly at the hands of my small fiber neuropathy.  I can thank my type 1 diabetes for that.  It seems like fighting with my diabetes is useless.  It's who I am.  It's what makes me ... well... me.  I cannot fight something like type 1 diabetes.  And I shouldn't even try to fight it.  There's really nothing I can do about it anyhow.  I will ALWAYS have it, and therefore, fighting it is a battle that I cannot win and should not try to win. 
This disease has tested me in more ways then I can count.  And I'm sure I have a lot more testing to look forward to. 
I remember way back when - when I was first diagnosed with this horrible disease.  I certainly didn't understand it like I do now.  And after the health insurance disappeared, so did all of my insulin and syringes.  I had to come up with ways week after week to buy my own medication and then I had to try and live with it without proper doctor's care.  In 2010, I finally got a little help from the Reading Hospital and some of those Patient Assistance Programs - but, as far as my disease, the damage had already been done. 
My nerves are literally shot to hell.  And that is incredibly painful..
Some days, I can walk around - small distances, mind you - without much use of my cane.  Anytime after 3 though, I start to really feel my feet start to go.  Then I start to feel it in my legs. 
Whenever long walking will be involved I have to use my wheel chair or some other form of mobility....
With my pain, comes emotions.  My emotions are also hard to control.
Imagine - if you will - just indulge me here...
Pain every single day of your life.  Some days, it hurts all over  - literally from the hair down, you hurt and even a smile can make you hurt more.  This pain that you have is only semi controlled by medication.  So really, there is nothing to help you out of your funk. 
Praying doesn't seem to be relieving any of my distress.  God is either ignoring my cries for relief or He wants me to keep learning something.  Either way, I'm a frustrated and in pain woman. 
So, I am also a cranky woman. 
Thank God for my ever loving husband.  Sometimes John is the only person in this world that understands me and can comfort me in my trying pain days.  He supports me financially, emotionally, and physically.  He'll wash my hair for me, he'll do the dishes for me, he'll even grocery shop for me.  And do you know how sweet that is??   How much that means to me?? 
I could've easily ended up with a husband who isn't anything like that.  A husband that visits the bar every night, or doesn't care about the amount of pain that I live with.  I could have a husband that just isn't like my John. 
God knew what he was doing when I switched schools back in 7th grade.  He knew that I would be in a great deal of pain one day, and that I would need a caring individual in my life to help me through. 
So, I guess the point of this post is that God sees the future - and knows what He is doing - the character of God is so unfathomably great, it's sometimes hard to not to cry when I think about it. 
I needed a phone call today from my friend from church.  I needed a good husband to help me deal with the torment of my disease.  God knew I needed disability at a young age - so I had just enough work credits to get it.  God knew all of that.  I didn't. 
I can't wait for the day that I can thank the Lord face to face for all His graciousness and love. 
Until then, I will stop fighting my disease and start learning to live with it. 
Sure, I will have lots more days filled with turmoil and illness.  But, knowing that He is there to see me through it may help me endure those days a little better....