Sunday, October 21, 2012

Life's a pain right now

I've done this many times... blogging.  I had a few posts on Myspace (I know, silly website before Facebook came and smooshed them into the ground), even had my own blogging website (cannot find it though)....
My mom keeps telling me to start writing and maybe even start to blog... I'm surprised she even knows the term "blogging" as she is always having me "google" things... sigh... but, I think she understands blogging, because one of our favorite people blogs all the time ( her son, one of my 3 brothers) Jason Hughes... Mom thinks if I blog, it would make me forget the pain that I feel everyday.  According to her,  blogging will help me vent and therefore "make me less stressed"....
So, here it goes
I think my biggest problem right now is my financial concerns.  Well, maybe my second biggest problem is my financial concerns.  My first one would have to be my pain level.  I am in physical pain 24/7 without exaggeration.  It sucks.  I usually start my day sore somewhere in my back (always in the cervical or neck level, but sometimes in my lumbar region as well), which makes it difficult to even move.  I then hobble out to the kitchen to stick my finger for the first time of many to check my blood sugar.  After I'm done sticking my finger, I then prepare a needle full of insulin to stick in my body (arms, thighs, even stomach) - this is done SEVERAL times a day...  As I start my pained day, my pain becomes worse and worse - all circumstantial to what that day particularly brings.... the pain is especially bad if I have to put shoes on to go anywhere... As I kinda go through my day, I am always wishing I could slit my wrists, put a gun to my head, or even hang myself to make the pain stop...  Those particular thoughts are quickly replaced to ones of my daughter or my beloved husband.  I could never actually kill myself, because I have a husband and daughter who would miss me terribly... 

I usually spend my day trying new ways to overcome the 24/7 pain - I'll first turn to drugs (prescribed) and sometimes even (un-prescribed, but effective anyhow) marijuana (Pennsylvania needs to follow in California's footsteps)...  Lately, I've been turning to God more and more.  Even started going back to church back in February.  But, all these things eventually leave my head as my pain grows more and more intense.  The only thing that consumes me is my pain level.  I become unbearable to be around.  Grumpy, unloving, and cruel even.  I feel really bad for those who have to tolerate me in these upsetting moments. 
But, what is someone like me to do???  I'm sure there are millions out there who have chronic and unforgiving pain.  How do they do it???  I know I have a more deeper understanding and appreciation for those in my situation. 
My (type 1) diabetes, my neuropathy, my thyroid condition, my sciatica, my back filled with bulging or herniated discs, my anxiety, my depression.... more embarrassing, sometimes my incontinence - these are the things that I deal with all the damn time.
If I could tolerate it, I'd be drowning my sorrows in tequila or bourbon, or scotch, or anything found in the local state store...  But, my diabetes is so bad, I wouldn't dream of touching the stuff.
So, here I am.   My first blog of hopefully, many.  I'll get into my financial concerns at a later date...