Friday, December 27, 2013

Nocturnal Horror

Before I even knew what a night terror was, I was awakened in a confused state of sweat, panic, and disorienting feelings by all my siblings.  Some of them with just looks of complete horror on their faces.  I have been dealing with nightmares, night terrors and sleep walking since I was a little girl... What makes my terrifying experiences so horrible is that I have them ALL the TIME.  Not just once or twice a month.  I have them almost EVERY single night of my life.

I would always either be crying and upset or bothered that all of them were in there with my light turned on and mad because I had thought that they woke me up to just be annoying siblings.

My night terrors and my crazy enough nights that have me walking while slumbering have continued into adulthood.

I just awoke from a night terror that left me in all kinds of mental anguish.  Most of the ones that leave me uncontrollably crying and upset are the ones that involve me or someone I love dearly dying in some horrific way. 

Tonight was no exception.

In the best way I know how, I will summarize this intimidating and scary night played delusion that my nightmares only know how to be.

A weird house with many floors.  I can both be inside looking out of one of it's many windows, and also see it from the outside looking upon it massive size and extent.  From the outside, I could see the building with many occupants inside - some staring at me from their windows, others just going about their day - watching TV or ironing a pair of pants...
When I made a 180 degree turn from the outside of the building, there were woods.  The woods in my nightmare reminded me of the woods that were outside my childhood bedroom.  I remember thinking that very thought when the shock and horror of gunfire and a huge group of boys and men came by with an arsenal of weaponry.  Some of them had guns and were aiming and shooting at those in the window and others had rocks in their hands threatening to strike without care as to where the rock would find it's final resting place.
All of the sudden I was back in the building, and I was screaming and yelling for the sounds of gunfire and babies crying and woman and men alike wailing to please just "STOP!  PLEASE JUST STOP!"  At one point I ducked down and realized that I was in a room that looked like something straight out of a Stephen King novel.  The room was like an old factory, with dirt and old tools skewed about in no particular order.  I could see Olivia's feet underneath a bed.  The bed was that of an old hospital - with rails and old sheets still on it.  I stood up as the noises started to come to a stop, and when I did that, Olivia was looking at me with blood all over her hands. 
She said, "Mommy, they got my Lamby!" 

*(FYI, Lamby is Olivia's prized possession.  She's had it for many years.  It was an Easter gift inside of an Easter basket filled with candy and sweets.  All she wanted was that stuffed lamb.  And they have been inseparable since.)*

When I saw what Olivia was crying about, I became enraged in my dream.  I started to curse and holler and I woke myself up screaming over and over again, "Knock it off!   Knock it off!"

When I became aware of my surroundings - tonight, it only took a few seconds, but some nights, a full couple of minutes go by before I realize that I'm in my own bed - I was covered in sweat.  I had immediately started to cry, and John was next to me and I had woke him up as well. 
John's still not used to my nocturnal antics.  Sometimes he says he's scared to be in the same bed with me.  He says it sometimes sounds like I'm having a regular conversation with a ghost.  I'll just be talking and talking and I'll even wait for "replies" and I'll continue talking.  My eyes will be open and sometimes I'll even be sitting up in bed looking at an invisible person.
John admittedly says that he still sleeps with one eye open. 

I know that most of you are thinking that all the medicines I take are probably the culprit to my nightly bouts of fear and dread. 
And if these happenings had just started a few years ago, I would have the inclination to concur. 
However, I have four siblings that will tell you that I've been doing this forever.

I don't know why God chose me to have the curse of night terrors.  I mean, I go places in my sleep that I never want to see again.  One time, I swear I was in a bona fide haunted house, looking upon ghosts of all manner - scary, sad, happy, some helpful  - but I saw them all.  And when I awoke from that particular terrifying ordeal, my bedroom light stayed on the rest of that evening - much to John's disappointment.

As I sit here and blog about my latest horrifying nightmare, I can now be at a level of calm - probably not calm by any normal definitions - but calm enough to stop crying.  Calm enough to maybe rectify this night with some peaceful slumber. 
I know that I am doomed to have more of these horrific experiences, but I know that all of my dreams aren't bad.  Every now and again, I wake up feeling as if I had just won the jackpot, because I had a pleasant dream-cation.  But, my scary ones definitely out number the good ones. 

Well, I guess that's it for now...
I'm off - back to bed with me...
Maybe some night time chamomile tea will help soothe my anxious spirit.
Good night all!
if you can
Sweet Dreams.


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