My pain today was great and bountiful indeed. I couldn't walk more than four steps without wanting to fall over.
I don't know what's been going on the last few days.
I've been being tested.
Brought to bear some afflictions that only the chronically ill can possibly relate to.
And I was so used to bragging that my painkillers could last me so long too. I could make thirty pills last a month and a half, sometimes closer to two months. Lately, forget it. I'm taking them exactly as prescribed.
And that leaves me feeling defeated. Like I'm losing the battle for my health one pill at a time. Like with every pill I take, I lose a little more dignity and freedom.
DAMN YOU PAIN!
I HATE YOU PAIN!
IT'S SO AGONIZING and so incredibly LONELY!
I'm so angry at my torturous neuropathy, that I just really want to cut my feet off and be done with it.
Seriously, just cut those suckers right off.
You all may think I'm kidding.
My feet feel as though someone has ignited them with fire and they stay that way
And if the torrid, incinerating and burning pain weren't bad enough, the feet also cramp up from time to time throughout the day as well. Then, to make matters worse, my aching and pained feet will sometimes, right out of the blue, just go completely numb on me. I'll just lose feeling in them all together. That's the scariest feeling of them all. When you can't feel a body part that you can see... Yeah. Pretty scary stuff.
So, the feet hurt twenty four hours a day, thanks to my small fiber neuropathy. The leg thing? I've had that since I was a little girl.
I remember some evenings, just crying and crying till my dad would come in and rub my leg for me because my leg would hurt so bad. He'd have to rub my aching leg till I fell asleep. Nowadays, John does that type of thing for me. (Yup, I married someone like my dad)
But even though this leg thing has been around forever, it hasn't been as frequent as it has been lately. It used to hit at most 4 or 5 times a year. Now, it's every couple of weeks - like maybe every other week - that my leg hurts so badly.
Someone needs to just dig a hole for me and throw me in.
I mean, I don't seriously want to die. But, I seriously feel like I am dying. Know what I mean? It's a complicated emotion.
Next Wednesday, I do have an appointment with my doctor to maybe see if we can change my pain medication somewhat. I don't think I need anything too strong. But, I definitely think I need something stronger than what I'm currently on. I don't know. We'll see.
Maybe, someday soon, some bright new doctor will find a cure for small fiber neuropathy or even type 1 diabetes - although my nerve damage is already done - but, wouldn't that be nice? A cure for some of these awful ailments??
I'd be first in line...
Till next time, dear readers...