Wonderland Liquor

The pain on a given day; any given day is sometimes very difficult to put into writing. And let’s be honest here... it’s not just my physical pain and anguish; My Olivia has been dealing with much of her own pain, intolerable heartache and personal anguish herself. And we shouldn’t forget my dear and sweet loving husband. His own pain; what with never eating anything solid or delicious again and his day to day just becoming an older man pain that he experiences. It’s like we were all dealt this one hand of shitty playing cards and for some reason it’s missing all 52 cards. We’re short a shit ton of needed cards to be able to play a fair game of life.
Between our rare and abnormal health issues, we experienced a fire two years ago that made us realize how people treat those in need ... family or friends ... it didn’t matter. We got to know how those who hear about ones they love (or have said that they loved) - they hear we lost everything and still we were punished with heartache and disappointment.
In fact, it was my own father in law- someone none of us even speak to or even think about for that matter- who on the day I and John and Olivia lost ALL our worldly possessions (as few as they were) told me to “GO TO HELL”  and called me a bitch. Yes, that is some of the responses we received after losing our home...
of course, there was much more saner responses that were kind and compassionate and many people- friends and family alike who helped or at least offered to help. So it wasn’t all bad. It’s just; there were others who were truly close to the situation and just did nothing. Nothing. And that was a shock and surprise to the three of us as we spent the holidays in a hotel room...
If I wasn’t in the terrible physical shape I am in, I would probably start to help others who truly need it. Because I know. I know what it’s like to be short a whole hand of cards and still lose at life.
It’s a hole that I and my family have been living out of for years now.
My spinal stenosis is getting worse. Yes. Worse. It was already horrible to begin with. But now I cannot walk the length of my house without crying out - wailing out - like just taking the next step is gonna literally kill me because it hurts that bad.
The doctors don’t think an operation can help. I mean, sure, they could go in and try, but I don’t think I wanna face anesthesia and the physical and unbearable pain of an operation for a “we’re not sure it would help” .
Yet, I guarantee that at the next gathering of my rather large family, I may not make it to because the literal even getting ready may be too much to take.... no matter the doses of large prescription painkillers that I use...
And I am sure there will be some of my extended family there that simply won’t understand and may make the usual comment of my absence- as if my presence at a gathering - no matter how much it hurts me not to go and spend that precious time... my not being at any family gathering breaks my heart each and every time.. these moments are a fleeting thing and one that cannot be given back...
But someone will ultimately and ignorantly mention how I am “not there again” and “I bet she doesn’t even like us” or “what a bitch” ... and that’s ok, because nobody understands me or my unbelievable horrible pain - pain that gets worse and more depressing every day. And again, it is the three of us who are experiencing various amounts of personal pain...
the last two months have been hell for me. Hell. I am unsure if actual Hell will be like this; but if it is, I will consider myself prepared nicely for it.
The hot burning in my feet is a great start for the lake of fire I will be swimming in.
Truthfully, I am almost positive that Heaven is where I’ll spend eternity; even so; it’s nice to know I am prepared for the worse while still hoping for the best.
Tonight is considerably difficult for me. The pain cannot be subdued for some reason. The tears have fallen and I have created a nice little collection of tissues and wipes and find myself wading in a lake of tears fit for Alice in Wonderland (minus the blue Eat Me cake).
If I do come across anything from Alice in Wonderland, I hope it’s a bottle that says “drink me” on it, and I truly hope it’s filled with hard liquor.