Friday, January 25, 2013

With a heavy heart

Tonight, as I sit here and write to my blog, my diary, my venting as it were... I feel drained.  Not only do I feel bad on a physical level, but also on an emotional level...
There are so many things I am going to say.  I'm going to get it off of my chest...
I'm going to tell it like it is. 
I'm not going to care.
 Nor do I care who else cares. 
I'm talking about someone.  Someone who I used to be so close to.  Someone who I've reached out to on numerous occasions.  Someone who is supposed to love me (and I her) unconditionally. 
But she is the reason why my heart is so heavy. 
She is the reason why I'm so down. 
I am having a hard time liking her right now. 
I will always love her, but there are many times when I really don't like her. 
She and I don't agree on much.  We have two totally different parenting styles.  We listen to totally different music.  We run in very different circles of friends.   I know she does things because she likes people to see her in a "certain" light.  She strives for that "perfect magazine" cover look, not just in her home, but in the way she speaks, in the way she picks out people to converse with, in the way she even picks her freakin' doctor.
I'm not saying she's wrong.  I'm just saying I don't like it.  I don't agree with it.  I think it's hypocritical. 
But, she never wants to do anything about it.  She just hates doing things for others.  I mean, she will do things for others, but for totally wrong reasons.  Like I said, she does things so others will see her in a certain light.  And I'm certainly not the only other person who has seen this.  It's not like it's a big secret. 
It's not a revelation. 
It's not something that just happened either. 
It's been going on for years, and I'm so tried of it. 
The things I've been struggling with lately... oh so many life altering things... but, she hasn't bothered to pick up the phone to see how I am.  Not once has she even asked me how it's going.  She doesn't want to be bothered with me.  She thinks I'm to blame for all my health issues. 
I know she thinks I gave myself diabetes.  She thinks that if I lost a bit of weight, that my diabetes will just disappear.  LOL!!! 
She's so ignorant to the two major types of diabetes. 
I am a type 1 diabetic.
 My pancreas stopped producing insulin at age 19.  I wasn't what I weigh now when I was first diagnosed with this horrible disease.  In fact, I was pregnant.  And two weeks after I found I was pregnant, I found out I was diabetic.  And not the gestational kind either... the type 1 kind.  The kind that is INCURABLE.  The kind that is more rare.  It isn't the kind that everyone on the news talks about- the kind that's "killing our nation"... that kind is type 2 diabetes.  Type 2 diabetics can (most of the time) get rid of their diabetes, with diet and exercise (and a little will power).  Type 1's, like me, don't bring it on themselves.  We just wake up one day, feel sick, drink loads of water without quench of thirst, and when we can't take it anymore, we end up at the doctor's office. 
And because of my type 1 diabetes, and I mean as a direct result of my disease, I have neuropathy.  I have pain in my body, all over my body that will never go away.  My eyes are being affected by my disease.  My bowel movements are even affected.  My kidneys are starting to fail...  
So, no. 
Didn't cause this myself.
Didn't ask for it.
Don't like it.  And can't really do more than what I'm currently doing to take care of myself. 
I know she talks about me to her friends.  And I really don't care what she or her friends think.  They weren't there when I was diagnosed.  They weren't there when I had the two C-peptide tests to confirm my type 1 diabetes.
 I know she thinks she knows what she's talking about.  But, she doesn't.  She's ignorant.  She needs to Google type 1 diabetes and brush up on it before she opens her mouth. 
 It's like she thinks it's all my fault that I am suffering physically.  Like I can control my very broken body.  Like I asked for it. 
Of course, she'll never admit to being this way.  She doesn't need to.  It's evident in the way she chooses to ignore me.  And it's so clear that she hates me.  Or at least, she doesn't like me.  And I don't know how to fix it. 
I have done things in the past that I'm really NOT proud of.  I've said things to her that I can never un-say.  I've done things to her that can never be undone.  But, I have apologized time and time again.  And I've reached out time and time again. 
Always with a "I'll have to think about what you said." or "I had no idea you felt that way." 
I'm not perfect.  I am far from it.  I have made many, many, many mistakes.  Some that are irreversible.  Some that have changed the way I see things.  I had to grow up quicker than most.  And I know it's my own doing that has caused that.  I know it's because of the mistakes, some small and some large, that I've made. 
I guess I'm crazy.  Crazy for expecting more.  Crazy for thinking things would be better.  Crazy for wanting more.  Crazy for thinking I could get more. 
I think it's time I let go.  Let go of all the "grudge".  Let go of  all my expectations.  Let go of my anger.  Let go of my need to have everyone like me. 
It'll never happen. 
Can't please everyone.
But, my life is in such upheaval right now, that I can't even see straight. 

I got my CT scan and blood work back.  It seems that I am in the beginning stages of kidney disease.  That my type 1 diabetes has done some "undoable" damage to my kidneys. 
All the doctor's have told me that I need to go on the insulin pump.  That the pump will probably make my blood sugars a little more stable.  And that stability in itself should right some of the wrongs in my body.  It's a long and hard process - going over to the pump.  It's something I'll have to wear day and night - 24/7 (unless I'm in the shower or swimming).  Something that I have to learn how to operate.  Something that's going to give me lots of little shots of insulin throughout the day, instead of me giving myself 6 or 7 large injections throughout the day.  There's so much to learn, in fact, because I have to go to three insulin pump training classes just to learn how to use it.  Thank the good Lord that John is around.  He's going with me to all the classes.  And I'll need his extra set of ears...
So, after I start the pump, I'm told to report back to my new family physician.  (oh and he's so nice! and so soft -spoken!  and such good bedside manner)  If my diarrhea doesn't go away after being on the pump for sometime, he's sending me to a  gastroenterologist to see if there's not something maybe a little more serious going on. 
great.  a new specialist.  wonder-freakin-ful. 
Olivia's labs came back really funky...
If  I am reading them correctly (and I've seen 100's of lab work, so I'm guessing I am) she has Lyme's disease.  And her thyroid is acting up again, according to the lab report. 
double sigh...
Things I guess could be worse.  I know I could be dealing with much harder illnesses.  But, while I'm going through these phases of "un health" I'm just not seeing the good in any of it. 
It's a frustrating situation.  Not being able to walk without a cane.  Not being able to shower (at times) without aid.  Not being able to live the life I once knew and loved.  I feel as though I'm just muttering through life.  I'm certainly just waiting for tomorrow.  That's all I've been doing.  Waiting.  Waiting for the next day to arrive.  Waiting for the blood work to come back.  Waiting to hear back from the doctor.  Waiting to see a new doctor.  Waiting for the pain to subside.  Waiting.
 Just ...
John is so good to me.  I couldn't ever go through this without him.  He's so supportive, so sweet, such an amazing help to me.  He'll do the dishes.  He'll fold the laundry.  He changes the bed sheets.  He vacuums the floors.  He does all the girl scout things with Olivia.  He does all of these things without complaint and still while working in the freezing cold at his day job. 
He's such a great husband.  I'm so lucky to have him, to lean on him, to depend on him. 
So, I guess that's about it...
Wait, one more thing...
I've (finally) started my book.  The one that tells all about how John and I met, fell in love, gave a baby up for adoption, and yet stayed together... It's going to be a tell all.  Not going to hold anything back... I want to write it before my health gets so bad that I cannot do it any more.  I'm told that dialysis is probably in my future if my blood sugars stay on their present course.  So, I want to get it done before I can't get it done. 
Till next time, my dear readers...

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