Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Loathing Spirit

So, my few special, curious readers:  Tis been awhile.  Yes, I know I wanted to blog about my life to try and keep my pain from taking over my life, even perhaps to blow off a bit of steam.  Sorry it's been so long. 
I've been ...  well...  I guess the only word to use is busy.  I have definitely not been working.  Not even necessarily busy running errands.  Not even stimulating the economy by shopping.  Nope, it's the sort of busy that takes over the mind.  It kind of becomes your own world of perpetual doubt, loneliness, and incessantly pain that never, ever goes away.  To sum it up (I know, too late) I've been living in a frightening world of chronic pain.  And that my friends, can keep anyone busy as hell. 
"But, Sylvia.  Isn't that why you started blogging?  To try and forget the pain?"
Hasn't been going so well.  Every time I sat down to write about anything, I would get a really sharp, burning pain in my feet.  The only phrase I can use to describe it - like rubbing sandpaper on badly sun burnt skin.  That is what my feet feel like DAY in and DAY out - sitting, standing, laying down.  But, it's not just my 5 toed friends that have been giving me the woes.  It's my legs as well.  That pain feels deep (almost infected feeling) intense pain, combined with the symptoms of severe sciatica.  That's also something that bothers me greatly and daily.  And moving on up - there's the fairly new, but just as chronic pains in my hips.  Wow, I thought the legs and feet were going to be the biggest of my nerve pain.  Nope, as badly as my legs and feet feel, the pain I am now experiencing in my hips is cry out to God in hopes that He will be merciful, tear stained face and pillow, please get me a pill or bottle of something insanely strong kind of pain.  A chest CT scan later - something about sclerosis in my hips.  But, I also have nerve damage in my hips.  I also have bulging discs in my lumbar spine and a great deal of arthritis as well.  I fear that a wheel chair will be needed soon. 
Before I can even think of getting one, we'd have to find a new place to live.  A wheel chair wouldn't fit down my hallway, let alone the bathroom... :(  
So, you see, I've been so busy lately - just thinking, wondering, crying, waiting - crying some more...
But, the last few days, I've been realizing that all of that is doing me NO good.  It's keeping me up at night (and let's face it, insomnia comes with it's own set of problems)  It's been really hard on my blood sugars and absolutely no good on my blood pressure.  So, I've been doing alot of mental exercises.  Trying to push my pain way down - deep down - putting it in a box and concentrating on other things.  MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE.  or is it "then done"? 
So, with all of that out of the way:
On with other news. 
I won my disability case.  A "fully favorable decision".  I'm currently awaiting back pay, but just confirmed with Congressman Gerlach (yup, check out little ole proactive me) yesterday, that my first disability check will arrive at the beginning of January.  After hearing that news, I almost started to cry.  What a difference that money will make on a monthly basis. 
Let's see... what else??  Oh, yeah... a family member of mine just tried to commit suicide.  While I make no judgements in either direction regarding this news, it did leave me stunned, saddened, and sympathetic.  I too have been in a dark hole, physically wiped out, with what seems like no way out.  However, I never actually got to the point of picking up a gun, or a razor, or rope.  I could always picture my Olivia and my dear John walking in and seeing the aftermath of my horrible and selfish act.  That's always been enough to stop me from making a huge mistake.  And what an insult to the rest of my family that would've been!  Knowing that I am loved and cared for and thought about.  Nope.  Couldn't do it. 
Well, anyways - on to the next thing. 
What a great time of year!  The cold snap of weather which makes you wanna cuddle on the couch.  The lovely music.  The pretty decorating!  I am usually first in my family to put my own little decorations up.  And usually the first one to start sneaking in Christmas music.  :) 
But, for the last several years, I've been noticing a trend in the way others celebrate this time of year.  Let's start with the freaking mind numbing TV commercials that start before Halloween.  The selfish behaviour of the owners of these stores, the people who trample on you for that Black Friday deal and not think a thing of it.  Freakin' disgusting, rude, selfish people.  Don't get me wrong. LOVE to save money (especially since our money tree stopped producing)  And I've even been Black Friday shopping (ya know, after sleeping in and getting up at 9 -ish)  But, people have taken on a nasty little habit of narcissistic, self-loving, self-serving conduction of ill speakable acts.
Exhibit A:

It shouldn't be about how many gifts are under the tree.  Or how much was spent on what.  (yes, I'm being sooooo cliche here)  But, really!  Why should anyone feel obligated to buy anyone anything??  Why can't it be enough that my family and friends have food in their bellies or a current electric bill paid up, or another mortgage payment under their belt?  Why can't we just be happy that our loved ones are content, loved, and cared for?  They've got a roof over their heads.  They have heat to escape the coldness of December.... If you find that someone doesn't have that, then by God, invite them over for food and warmth!  Not for a meaningless gift exchange.
And I am not against giving or getting gifts.  So, not about that at all... But, Christmas has totally lost it's sweet natured innocence.  It's been fondled, raped and left for dead.  Along with Thanksgiving.  Along with happiness.  It's been replaced with hate, loathe, jealousy, and rudeness.  And frankly I'm sick of it. 
I really could go on.  I probably angered one of two of you... It's ok.  If we all shared the same opinion, we couldn't call ourselves free, could we? 
Merry Christmas (and if I'm not blogging in the near future, Happy and SAFE New Year as well)

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